Listen about that guy who was pulled over for running a
stop sign.  When the cop checked the man's driver's license,
he said, "You're wearing glasses on your ID and you're not 
now.  I'm going to have to give you a ticket for that."  The guy 
said, "Officer, I have *contacts*."  The cop said, "Look, buddy, 
I don't care *who* you know -- I'm giving you a ticket."

I work as a flight attendant and once as we waited just off the runway 
for another airliner to cross in front of us, some of the passengers were 
beginning to retrieve luggage from the overhead bins. The head attendant 
announced on the intercom, "This aircraft is equipped with a video 
surveillance system that monitors the cabin during taxiing. Any 
passengers not remaining in their seats until the aircraft comes to a 
full and complete stop at the gate will be strip-searched as they leave 
the aircraft."

I was on a Reno Air flight from San Jose to Las Vegas and the 
plane was taxiing to take off. The flight attendant came on the 
intercom and said, "For those of you currently reading our in-
flight magazine, please place it back in the seat pocket in front 
of you, as it is for IN-FLIGHT only." Later on, once we were 
airborne, he came back and said, "If you're sitting on the right 
side of the plane, look out the window and you will see big, 
white, fluffy clouds. If you're on the left side of the plane, you'll 
see ... big, white, fluffy clouds. Directly beneath you is...your 
luggage."

Once we landed, he told us to remain seated with our seatbelts 
fastened until we were fully stopped at the gate. Just as we 
were about to reach the gate, he said, "Don't even think about 
it!" He also said, "We have a man onboard who is celebrating 
his 100th birthday and this is his first flight! It is also probably 
his last flight." ('Boo's' from the passengers.) "So please, when 
you walk by the cockpit , wish the pilot a happy birthday."