Several women appeared in court, each accusing the other of the trouble 
they were having in the apartment building where they lived.
The judge, with Solomon-like wisdom decreed, "I'll hear the oldest first."

The case was closed for lack of evidence. 

PORTLAND, OR - A man was admitted to an emergency clinic with severe
bruising and lacerations on his penis and testicles, caused in an accident
involving a hand held vacuum cleaner. The man had been vacuuming, wearing
only a bathrobe, when he tripped, having been distracted because his robe
fell open. "It always does that," he said. "I keep meaning to rig up some
kind of tie for it, but I never do. I guess I'll get around to it now." He
fell on the vacuum and the small beater bar of the device caused enough
damage to require fifteen stitches and an overnight stay at the clinic.

The White House says President Clinton will make a speech on
campaign finance reform today in California. Says Argus Hamilton,
"The exact time hasn't been announced. Aides are still trying to
fit it in between fund-raisers."