Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a 
plug. Whoever said a penny doesn't go far didn't see him shoot across
that floor. I told him he was grounded.

                 -Tim Allen

"In our brief national history we have shot four of our presidents, worried
five of them to death, impeached one and hounded another out of office.
And when all else fails, we hold an election and assassinate their
character."
                             - - - P. J. O’Rourke "Parliament of Whores"

"I hacked into Microsoft, and all I got was this lousy source code."

A hospital is a place where men keep asking the nurses
for dates and the nurses keep giving them prunes. 

"A bald nun, a gay lawyer, and a Ravenous Bugblatter Beast walk into a
 bar.  The bartender says, 'This has got to be the weirdest joke I've
 ever been in...'"
                        -- Fruvous of FurryMuck, via rec.humor.funny