"Nothing defines humans better than their willingness
to do irrational things in the pursuit of phenominally
unlikely payoffs. This is the principle behind lotteries,
dating, and religion." 

    - Scott Adams 

Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to
       calm myself down. I'll go over to the person's house and ring the
       doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you
       know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife
       stuck in the side of its head with a note that says "You." After
       that, I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.

"This is your brain on IDE..."
                        -- me

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage,
   the 'Y' becomes silent.

Time's fun when you're having flies. 

    - Kermit the Frog