Woody Allen - "I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the
           universe when it's hard enough to find your way around
           Chinatown."

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
   -- George Carlin

"I like the bestiality..."
                        -- Karen Peisley

"... they're the words you would think I would say if there was a me for
 you..."
                        -- They Might Be Giants, "Ana Ng"

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything.
Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. 
Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, "Cut it out" 

                            -- Steven Wright