There was a young man in Norway, 
               Tried to jerk himself off in a sleigh, 
                    But the air was so frigid 
                    It froze his balls rigid, 
               And all he could come was frappe. 

I'm Glad I'm A Woman



 I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am
 I don't live off of Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam
 I don't brag to my buddies about my erections
 I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions
 I don't get wasted at parties and act like a clown
 and I know how to put the damned toilet seat down!
 
 I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt
 my belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut
 and I don't go around "readjusting" my crotch
 or yell like Tarzan when my head-board gets a notch
 I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind
 I'm a woman you see --  I'm just not that kind!
 
 I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing
 I don't have body hair like shag carpeting
 It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back
 When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack
 And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb
 I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome
 Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side
 I'm a woman, you know -- I've got far too much pride!
 
 And I honestly think its a privilege for me
 to have these two boobs and squat when I pee
 I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball
 I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal
 I won't tell you my wife just does not understand
 stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band
 or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep
 then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!
 
 Yes, I'm glad I'm a woman, a woman you see
 you can forget all about that old penis envy
 I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks
 join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick
 I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful it's true
 I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you!

A Redneck's Ode to Valentines Day!

Kudzu is green,
my dog's name is Blue
And I'm so lucky
to have a sweet thang like you.

Yore hair is like cornsilk
A-flapping in the breeze.
Softer than Blue's
And without all them fleas.

You move like the bass,
Which excite me in May.
You ain't got no scales
But I luv you anyway.

You're as graceful as okry
Jist a-dancin' in the pan.
Yo're as fragrant as SunDrop
Right out of the can.

You have all yore teeth,
For which I am proud;
I hold my head high
When we're in a crowd.

On special occasions,
When you shave yore armpits,
Well, I'm in hawg heaven,
I'm plumb outta wits.

And speakin' of wits,
You've got plenty fer shore.
'Cuz you married me
Back in '74.

Still them fellers at work
They all want to know,
What I did to deserve
Such a purty, young doe.

Like a good roll of duct tape
Yo're there fer yore man,
To patch up life's troubles
And stick 'em in the can.

Yo're as strong as a four-wheeler
Racin' through the mud,
Yet fragile as that sanger
Named Naomi Judd.

When you hold me real tight
Like a padded gunrack,
My life is complete;
Ain't nuttin' I lack.

Yore complexion, it's perfection,
Like the best vinyl sidin'.
Despite all the years,
Yore age, it keeps hidin'.

And when you get old
Like a '67 Chevy,
Won't put you on blocks
And let grass grow up heavy.

Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie
With a RC cold drank,
We go together
Like a skunk goes with stank.

Some men, they buy chocolate
For Valentine's Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart,
It's romantic that way.

Some men git roses
On that special day
From the cooler at Kroger.
"That's impressive," I say.

Some men buy fine diamonds
From a flea market booth.
"Diamonds are forever,"
They explain, suave and couth.

But for this man, honey,
These will not do.
For you are too special,
You sweet thang you.

I got you a gift,
Without taste nor odor,
Better than diamonds
it's a new trollin' motor.

There was a young girl of Bavaria 
            Who thought her disease ws malaria. 
                But the family doc 
                Remarked to her shock, 
            "It is in the mercurial area." 

There was a young fellow named Simon
Who tried to discover a hymen.
But he found every girl
Had relinguished her pearl
In exchange for a solitaire diamond.