One balmy evening in Rome the Pope decides to take a walk.
He slips out the rear door of the Vatican and is walking
through the back alleys of Rome when he sees a ten-year-old
boy smoking a cigarette. The Pope gently says to him, "Young
man, you're much too young to smoke!"

The kid looks up at the Pope and says, "Fuck you!"

The Pope is completely taken aback. "What?" he says. "You say
that to *me*, the Pontiff, the Vicar of Christ, the head of
the Roman Catholic Church? I am the spiritual leader for
millions of people, young man, the representative of God,
and you dare to say that to *me*? No, no, no, kid, fuck *YOU*!"

Lady Di is welcomed at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter. 
Peter asks: "Oh dear, what happened to you?" 
Di answers: "I died in a car crash, but wait till you see my friend, 
he looks much worse". 
Half an hour later Dodi shows up and St. Peter says: "My God, 
you look terrible."
Dodi replies: "This is nothing. Wait till you see my driver."
Half an hour later some bones and flesh move slowly to the Gates, 
and St. Peter says: "So you're the driver?"
"No, I'm Mother Theresa. 

One day a lady went to the doctor's office and told the doctor
that her husband wasn't interested in her any more he just
wouldn't have sex with her anymore.
So the doctor went into the back of the shop and got a bottle of
100 pills. He told her that "if you give your husband one of
these pills then he would have sex with you." 
So she bought the pills and took them home. She put one in his
dinner and he ate it. They had sex till midnight. The next day
she thought it was so good that she wanted some more. so she put
two in his dinner and they had sex till twelve noon the next day.
She thought it was so good that she put all of the pills in his
dinner and he ate it.
Three weeks later a little kid was outside screaming and a guy
walked up to him and asked him what was wrong. The little kid
said, "My mom is dead, my sister is pregnant, my asshole hurts
and my dad is in there on the floor saying, 'here kitty kitty
kitty...'" 

Q: Did you hear about the new German microwave oven?
A: It seats 500.

Why do gorillas have big noses?

                                         Because they have big fingers.