I HAD A BAD DAY

   It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change
   the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into
   Heaven, you had to have a really bad day the day you died. The policy
   would go into effect at noon the following day. So the next day at
   12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven.
   The angel at the gate, remembering about the new law, promptly told
   the man, "Before I can let you in, I need you to tell me about the day
   you died."
   "No problem." said the man. "Well, for some time now, I've thought my
   wife was having an affair. I believed that each day on her lunch hour,
   she'd bring her lover home to our 25th floor apartment and have sex
   with him. So today I was going to come home too and catch them. Well,
   I got there and busted in and immediately began searching for this
   guy. My wife was half-naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire
   apartment. But, damn it, I couldn't find him! Just as I was going to
   give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that
   there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of
   that guy to think he could hide from me! Well, I ran out there and
   promptly stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground.
   But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some bushes that broke his fall
   and he didn't die. This pissed me off even more, so in a rage I went
   back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at
   him. And oddly enough, the first thing I could grab was the
   refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony and
   heaved it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him!
   The excitement of the moment was so great that right after that I had
   a heart attack and died almost instantly."
   The angel sat back and though for a moment. Technically, the guy DID
   have a bad day, and it was a crime of passion, so he announced, "OK,
   Sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.
   A few seconds later the next guy came up. "OK, here's the rule. Before
   I can let you in, I need to hear about the day you died."
   "Sure thing" the man replied. "But you're not gonna believe this. I
   was out on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily
   exercises when I got a little carried away and accidentally fell over
   the side! Luckily however, I was able to catch myself by my fingertips
   on the balcony directly beneath mine. When all of a sudden this crazy
   man comes running out of his apartment and starts cussing and stomping
   on my fingers! Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes on
   the way down which broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm
   laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating
   pain, I see the man push his refrigerator, of all things, over the
   ledge and it falls directly on top of me and kills me!"
   The angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his
   story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself.
   "Very well," the angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven,"
   and he lets the man enter.
   A few seconds later the third man in line comes up to the gate. "Tell
   me about the day you died," said the angel.
   "OK, picture this, " says the man. "I'm naked inside a
   Refrigerator......."

   A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so
   proud of himself that he starts calling his wife "Mother of Six" in
   spite of her objections.
   
   One night they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go
   home, and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He
   shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home, Mother of Six?"
   
   His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts back,
   "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"
   

If Cray made toasters...
They would cost $16 million but would be faster than
any other single-slice toaster in the world, at least
for a couple of years.

A young wife, her boorish husband and a young good looking sailor were
shipwrecked on an island.  One morning, the sailor climbed a tall coconut
tree and yelled, "Stop making love down there!" 
"What's the matter with you?" the husband said when the sailor climbed
down. "We weren't making love."
"Sorry," said the sailor, "From up there it looked like you were."
Every morning thereafter, the sailor scaled the same tree and yelled the
same thing.  Finally the husband decided to climb the tree and see for
himself. With great difficulty, he made his way to the top.  The husband
says to himself, "By golly he's right! It DOES look like they're making
love down there!"

   Little Johnny is excited because the circus has come to town and his
   mum has got front row tickets for him. Finally the evening comes and
   Little Johnny and his mum go off to the big top. Little Johnny sits
   there and enjoys the lions and the tigers and the jugglers and the
   trapeze artists, and finally out comes little Johnnys favourites, the
   clowns.
   
   Johnny is loving the clowns and their humorous japes until one of the
   clowns comes up to him and says 'Little boy are you the front end of
   an ass?'
   
   'No,' replies little Johnny.
   'Are you the rear end of an ass?'
   'No,' replies little Johnny again.
   'In that case,' says the clown, 'you must be no end of an ass.'
   
   Little Johnny is distraught and he runs out of the circus and all the
   way home in tears. When his mum catches up with him she says, 'Little
   Johnny don't worry, your Uncle Marvo, the master of lightning wit,
   backchat and repartee, is coming to stay tomorrow. We will take him to
   the circus and he will sort that nasty clown out.' At this news little
   Johnny cheers up and looks forward to the next night.
   
   The next night comes and, sure enough, Uncle Marvo, the master of
   lightning wit, backchat and repartee arrives and the three of them set
   off for the circus. When they get there Little Johnny, his mum and
   Uncle Marvo, the master of lightning wit, backchat and repartee, sit
   down and enjoy the lions, the tigers, the jugglers and the trapeze
   artists, and then out come the clowns.
   
   Again Little Johnny is enjoying their antics and yet again one of the
   clowns comes up to him and says, 'Little boy are you the front end of
   an ass?'
   
   Quick as a flash, Uncle Marvo, the master of lightning wit, backchat
   and repartee jumps up and shouts at the very top of his voice:
   
   'Fuck off you Red nosed Cunt!'