Three men: a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot,
were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree.
Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves
standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St
Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.

"Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that
Heaven is now overcrowded, therefore St Peter has agreed to
limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of
you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot
answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not,
then you'll come with me to Hell."

The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most
comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings," With a snap
of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil.
The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct.
"Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the
philsopher disappeared.

The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicated
formula you can ever think of!" With a snap of his finger,
another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The
mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was
correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his
finger, the mathematician disappeared, too.

The idiot then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a
chair!" The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes
on the seat." The Devil did just that. The idiot then sat
on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he
asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?"

The Devil inspected the seat and said, "The third hole from
the right."

"Wrong," said the idiot, "it's from my asshole." And
the idiot went to Heaven.

Mom took little johnny to the doctor for lacerations on his penis.
Doc. said, how did such a thing happen?   Johnny said,  "It's 
that damn neighbor girl, Suzy.   Her braces are too darned 
sharp."

What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?

You can unscrew a light bulb!

A roving reporter from the BBC was touring a remote part of the
Scottish Highlands looking for material for a documentary about
the way of life there.

REPORTER: 

     Hello there, excuse me, I'm from the BBC and I'm gathering
     material for a documentary about the way of life in the
     remote parts of the Scottish Highlands. You look like an
     interesting fellow, perhaps I could interview you? 

SCOTSMAN: 

     Certainly... 

REPORTER: 

     Well, perhaps you could start by telling me your name? 

SCOTSMAN: 

     Well now there's a story. Y'know I deliver the mail round
     here, but do they call me Donald the Postman? No they don't.

     You see those fine crofts up on the hill there, well, I
     built more than half of them myself, but do they call me
     Donald the Croftbuilder? No, they don't.

     And did you pass the nets down in the harbour? Well, I made
     several of them, but do they call me Donald the Netmaker? No,
     they don't.

     But, I tell you, a moment's weakness with just ONE sheep .... 

Three guys are discussing women.
"I like to watch a woman's tits best," the first guy says.
The second says "I like to look at a woman's ass."
He asks the third guy "What about you?".
"Me? I prefer to see the top of her head."