A company in the Foreign Legion had spent three years in the Sahara desert 
never having seen a woman. They finally decide to send one private on 
vacation to the nearest town to spend some time with a woman and tell them
all about it. After a week the private comes back all happy and relaxed. 
The whole company crowds around him waiting to hear of his great 
escapades. "And on the third day..." he began. "No! no! start with the 
first day," Everyone yells out in chorus. "And on the third day, " the 
private continues " she asked me to stop so she could go to the 
bathroom..." 

Q: What's 18 inches long, black, and hangs in front of an asshole?
A: A stethoscope.

   This practical joke is hearsay.  A fellow student some years ago
   related the following.  Apparently another student was a bit of
   a braggar.  His favourite topic was his car, and one sub-topic
   was the terrific gas milage (pre-metric) it got.

   So it began one evening.  Fill up a one-gallon container of gas
   each night and pour it into the victim's gas tank.  Wait for the
   story each day to get better and better.  Repeat until it cannot
   be taken any more.  I believe 2 weeks was sufficient.

   Finally the moment (days) of truth.  Each night for 2 weeks,
   the effect was reversed, and one gallon of gas was REMOVED from
   the victim's tank.  It was amazingly effective at reducing some
   of the stories.  I suspect the truth was never revealed to the
   victim.
  

A man comes home and hears hard breathing female noises from
inside the aprtment, walks inside to find his wife on the floor
of the living room naked. Wife yells, "help, help, I am having
a heart attack", the husband runs in the other room to call the
doctor when one of his kids run up to him and says "daddy, daddy,
there is a naked man in the closet", husband opens the closet
door and sees his friend Bob. He yells at Bob, "Bob, god damn it,
my wife is having a heart attack and here you are trying to scare
the kids"!!! 

A woman reported the disappearance of her husband to the police. The 
officer looked at the guy's photograph, questioned her, and then asked if 
she wanted to give her husband any message if they found him.
"Yes, please" she replied. "Tell him Mother didn't come after all."