Noah And Today's Ark


The Lord spoke to Noah and said, "Noah, in six months I am going
to make it rain until the whole world is covered with water and
all the evil things are destroyed. But, I want to save a few good
people and two of every living thing on the planet. I am ordering
you to build an ark." And, in a flash of lightning, he delivered
the specifications for the ark.

"OK," Noah said, trembling with fear and fumbling with the
blueprints, "I'm your man."

"Six months and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You
better have my ark completed or learn to swim for a long, long
time!"

Six months passed, the sky began to cloud up, and the rain began
to fall in torrents. The Lord looked down and saw Noah sitting in
his yard, weeping, and there was no ark.

"Noah!" shouted the Lord, "where is My ark?" A lightning bolt
crashed into the ground right beside Noah.

"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best, but there
were some big problems. First, I had to get a building permit for
the ark's construction, but your plans did not meet their code.
So, I had to hire an engineer to redo the plans, only to get into
a long argument with him about whether to include a
fire-sprinkler system."

"My neighbors objected, claiming that I was violating zoning
ordinances by building the ark in my front yard, so I had to get
a variance from the city planning board."

"Then, I had a big problem getting enough wood for the ark,
because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the spotted owl.
I tried to convince the environmentalists and the U.S. Fish and
Wildlife Service that I needed the wood to save the owls, but
they wouldn't let me catch them, so no owls."

"Next, I started gathering up the animals but got sued by an
animal rights group that objected to me taking along only two of
each kind."

"Just when the suit got dismissed, the EPA notified me that I
couldn't complete the ark without filing an environmental impact
statement on your proposed flood.  They didn't take kindly to the
idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme
Being."

"Then, the Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed flood
plan. I sent them a globe!"

"Right now, I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the
Equal Opportunities Commission over how many minorities I'm
supposed to hire."

"The IRS has seized all my assets claiming that I am trying to
leave the country, and I just got a notice from the state that I
owe some kind of use tax. Really, I don't think I can finish the
ark in less than five years."

With that, the sky cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow
arched across the sky.

Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you are not going to destroy
the world?" he asked hopefully.

"No," said the Lord, "the government already has."

What's the national anthem of Puerto Rico?

"Attention K-Mart shoppers..."

A young bloke has started work on a property, and the boss 
sends him up the back paddocks to do some fencing work, but 
come evening he's half an hour late. The boss gets on the CB 
radio to check if he's all right.

"I've got a problem, Boss. I'm stuck 'ere. I've hit a pig!"

"Ah well, these things happen sometimes," the boss says. 

"Just drag the carcass off the road so nobody else hits it in the 
dark."

"But he's not dead, boss. He's gotten tangled up on the bull 
bar, and I've tried to untangle him, but he's kicking and 
squealing, and he's real big boss. I'm afraid he's gonna hurt 
me!"

"Never mind," says the boss. "There's a .303 under the tarp in 
the back. Get that out and shoot him. Then drag the carcass 
off the road and come on home." 

"Okay, boss."

Another half an hour goes by, but there's still not a peep from 
the young fella. The boss gets back on the CB. "What's the 
problem, son?"

"Well, I did what you said boss, but I'm still stuck."

"What's up? Did you drag the pig off the road like I said?"

"Yeah boss, but his motorcycle is still jammed under the 
truck."

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh
 theater.  When the usher came by and noticed this, he 
 whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed
 one seat."
 
 The man groaned but didn't budge.  The usher became
 impatient.  
 
 "Sir, if you don't get up from  there I'm going to have to
 call the manager."  
 
 Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who
 turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of
 his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the
 manager returned and stood over the man.
 
 Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but
 with no success. Finally, they summoned the police.  
 
 The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All
 right buddy, what's your name?"  
 
 "Sam," the man moaned.  
 
 "Where ya from, Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied
 "the balcony."

 Sent by Zena

A famous hypnotist was performing in a large auditorium full of students one
night. He began to speak in a soft and steady voice over the loud-speaker
system. "Listen to the sound of my voice...", he kept repeating, "the sound
of my voice... every word is a command... the sound of my voice..." Pretty
soon, he had every single student in the audience completely mesmerized, each
one hanging on his every word.

Needing to take a quick piss, he announced "I will have to leave the stage
for a moment, but you will all remain in a trance while I am gone" And then
he repeated the words "the sound of my voice... every word is a command." As
he turned to go, he tripped over the  microphone cord, landed on his butt,
and yelled "SHIT!"