A man walks into a Chinese restaurant but is told by the
Maitre'd that there will be at least a twenty minute wait.
"Would you like to wait in the bar, Sir?", he says.
The man goes into the bar and the bartender says, "What'll it be?"
The man replies, "Give me a Stoli with a twist."
The bartender pauses for a few seconds, then smiles and
says, "Once upon time, there were FOUR little peegs . . . "

Tombstone Epitaph:
Playing with names in a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:

Here lies
Johnny Yeast
Pardon me
For not rising

George Costanza's Tips for Working Hard I

Never walk down the hall without a document in your
hands. People with documents in their hands look like
hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People
with nothing in their hands look like they're heading for the
cafeteria. People with a newspaper in their hand look like
they're heading for the toilet. Above all, make sure you
carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating
the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.

A man brings his wife a glass of water and two aspirins. She
looks surprised and says, I don't have a headache!"
    
He says, "Aha!"

why did Santa Anna bring only 4000 troops to the Alamo?

he only had 2 cars.