A young man was staying on a farm with his uncle and aunt for the summer. 
One morning the aunt and uncle walked in the kitchen and the young man was 
drinking an extremely large glass of milk. The young man said "I took
the liberty of milking your cow this morning!" He then continues and says 
"it took me a while to get her started up. She must be old and stubbly." 
The uncle says with a confused look " Um son we don't have a cow...We have 
a bull!"

A lady gets on a train with her baby. A guy sitting across from her
   looks at the baby and starts laughing hysterically.
   
   He says, "Lady, that's the ugliest kid I've ever seen. It looks like a
   monkey. What an ugly kid."
   
   The lady freaks out, and goes running into the next car sobbing
   uncontrollably. The conductor sees her and comes over to her to
   console her.
   
   He says, "Lady, relax...things are going to be all right...we'll get
   off at the next stop, get a cup of coffee...maybe we'll even find a
   banana for your monkey."
   

A Cowboy riding down the trail encounters an Indian laying on the trail 
with hard on. The Cowboy asks "what are you doing?" Indian says" Me tellum 
time." Cowboy shakes his head, rides on, encounters another exactly the 
same. Says "You telling time?" yup" "how can you tell time like that?" 
Indian says "workum like sundial, readum shadow". Cowboy, incredulous, 
rides on. Encounters Indian in trail masturbating. Cowboy says "let me 
guess, you're telling time too." Indian says " Nope. But me windum clock!" 

I recently had surgery on my hand, and asked the doctor if,
after surgery, I would be able to play the banjo. 
He said, "I'm doing surgery on your hand, not giving you a lobotomy." 

Sadie lost her husband almost four years ago and still has not 
gotten out of her depression, mourning as if it were only 
yesterday. Her daughter constantly is calling her and urging 
her to get back into the world. 

Finally, Sadie says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.
Her daughter immediately replies, "Mama! I have someone for 
you to meet."   Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one 
another and after dating for six weeks he asks her to join him 
for a weekend in the Catskills. And we know what that meant. 

One room and the normal follow up to that.  Their first night 
there she undresses as he does. There she stood nude 
except for a pair of black lacy panties. He in his birthday suit. 
Looking at her he asks "Why the panties?"

She replies, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to 
explore, but down there I am still in mourning," He knows he's 
not getting lucky that night. The following night the same 
scenario. She standing there with the black panties on and he 
in his birthday suit; except that he has an erection on which he 
has a black condom. 

She looks at him and asks, "What's with this... a black 
condom?"

He replies, "I'm going to offer my condolences."