Some professions

A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl 
enters the room.
A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
A schoolteacher is a disillusioned woman who used to think she liked 
children.
A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you 
the time.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that 
you will look forward to the trip.

God Meets Bureaucracy

In the beginning God Created heaven and the earth. Quickly he was faced
with a class action suit for failure to file an environmental impact
statement.  He was granted a temporary permit for the project, but was
stymied with the Cease and Desist order for the earthly part.  Appearing at
the hearing, God was asked why he began his earthly project in the first
place.  He replied that he just liked to be creative.

Then God said, "Let there be light." Officials immediately demanded to
know how the light would be made. Would there be strip mining? What about
thermal pollution? God explained that the light would come from a huge ball
of fire.  God was granted provisional permission to make light, assuming
that no smoke would result from the ball of fire, that he would obtain a
building permit, and (to conserve energy) would have the light out half the
time.  God agreed and said he would call the light "Day" and the darkness
"Night." Officials replied that they were not interested in semantics.

God said, "Let the earth bring forth green herb and such as manyseed."
The EPA agreed so long as native seed was used. Then God said, "Let waters
bring forth creeping creatures having life; and the fowl that may fly over
the earth." Officials pointed out this would require approval from the
Department of Game coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation and
the Audubongelic Society.

Everything was OK until God said he wanted to complete the project in six
days. Officials informed him it would take at least 200 days to review the
application and the environmental impact statement. After that there would 
be a public hearing. Then there would be 10-12 months before...

At this point God created Hell.

Isaac and Hymie were two tired Brooklyn businessmen who were
ordered to take a Caribbean cruise by their doctors. The second night
out on the way to Martinique they were leaning against the rail,
looking at the big bright tropical moon on the sea, really starting
to unwind.
        Suddenly the rail broke and both Jews fell screaming into the
ocean. They came up gasping and spluttering and saw the ship sailing
away from them into the darkness. As Isaac had fallen overboard he had
managed to grab a life preserver, and now he clung to it, desperately
treading water. "Hyman!" he called out, "Hyman, can you float alone?"

"Oy vay!" called out Hymie from the dark waters. "Vat a time to
talk business!"

Is everyone out in net land familiar with Sensormatic?  They are the company
that make the large plastic clips that set off alarms when you exit a
department store.  I used to work for a department store and the is what
we did.

Open up the clip and remove the shiny piece of paper.  It is about an inch
long and about half an inch wide.  This is the "thingy" (that is the technical
word for it) that sets off the alarm.  This "thingy" is easy to insert into
a pen case, lining of a jacket ...

We did this to a co worker and needless to say, he had problems wearing a
particular jacket to work.

Why don't witches wear panties?

So they can get a better grip on the broom.