A young, ruthless executive died and went to hell. When he got there,
he saw one sign that said Capitalist Hell, and another that said
Socialist Hell. In front of the Socialist Hell was an incredibly long
line, while there was no-one in front of the Capitalist Hell. So the
executive asked the guard, "What do they do to you in Socialist Hell?"
"They boil you in oil, whip you, and then put you on the rack," the
guard replied.
"And what do they do to you in Capitalist Hell?"
"The same exact thing," the guard answered.
"Then why is everybody in line for Socialist Hell?"
"Because in Socialist Hell, they're always out of oil, whips, and racks!" 

Staring down from the bench to announce the terms of the
divorce decree, the judge turned to the husband and said:
"I'm going to award her alimony in the amount of $250 a month." 

To which the woman's about-to-be ex replied: "That's mighty
kind of you, judge. I'll try to help her all I can, too." 

Sidney has a problem with premature ejaculation, so he pays a visit to a 
sex shop for a remedy. The clerk hands him a little purple can and 
says, "This is Stay-Hard spray... put on a little and you can go all 
night!"
Excited, Sidney takes it home, stashes it in the cellar on a shelf, and 
waits eagerly for bedtime. Later that night, he sprays some on his member 
and then goes upstairs to his wife. To his utter disappointment, however, 
the remedy seems to make him orgasm quicker than ever.
The next day, Sidney returns to the sex shop, angrily slammed the can down 
on the counter, and snaps, "This stuff makes me worse than before!"
Upon reading the label, the clerk asks, "I don't suppose your hid this 
stuff on your basement shelf, did you?"
"Yeah, so?"
"You must have grabbed the wrong can, sir... this is Easy-Off."

Q: Why do some people take an instant aversion to banjo players?
A: It saves time in the long run. 

What does a graduate student with a science degree ask?  
"Why does it work?"

What does a graduate student with an engineering degree ask?  
"How does it work?"

What does a graduate student with an accounting degree ask?  
"How much will it cost?"

What does a graduate student with a liberal arts degree ask? 
"Do you want fries with that?"