A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job.
The officer wants to ask her a few questions.... 
Officer: What's 2+2? 
Blonde: Ummmmm... 4! 
Officer: What's the square root of 100? 
Blonde: Ummmm... 10! 
Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln? 
Blonde: Ummmm... I dunno. 
Officer: Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow. 
The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she 
got the job. The blonde says, excitedly, "Not only did I get the job, I'm 
already working on a murder case!"

A woman was out shopping and her son was with her. They boy spotted a man 
who was bowlegged. The boy pulled on Mom's hand and said, " Momma, look at 
the bowlegged man." 
Mom was mortified and told her son that it was not polite to point to a 
person and make that sort of comment. For punishment, the boy had to read 
a play by Shakespeare. He couldn't go shopping again until he finished 
reading the play. 
Finally he finished and his mom took him out again to the mall shopping. 
Once again he spied a bowlegged man, but remembered what happened the last 
time. 
So he pulled on his mother's hand and said, "Lo, what manner of men are 
these, who wear their balls in parentheses?"

What's the difference between "ooh" and "aah?"

    -About three inches.

A nun comes to her Mother Superior and asks her to hear a confession: 
"Today I enjoyed the pleasures of the flesh. Father Goodwim came to me and 
told me that I had the gates to Heaven here between my legs. Then he said
that he had the key to Heaven, and he put it in the gates."
"BASTARD!" cried the Mother Superior. "For years he told me it was 
Gabriel's trumpet and I have been blowing it." 

                               Pest-by-Modem
     
   
Here's how to be a pest-by-modem:

*Make up fake acronyms.  On-line veterans like to use abbreviations like
IMHO (in my humble opinion) and RTFM (read the f...... manual) to show
that they're "hep" to the lingo.  Make up your own that don't stand for
anything (SETO, BARL, CP30), use them liberally, and then refuse to
explain what they stand for ("You don't know? RTFM").

*WRITE ALL YOUR MESSAGES IN ALL CAPS AND DON'T USE PERIODS OR RETURNS SO
THAT EVERYONE HAS TO SCROLL ACROSS THEIR SCREENS TO READ EVERY LINE ALSO
USE A LOT OF !!!!!! AND DDOOUUBBLLEESS TO SHOW THAT YOU'RE EXCITED ABOUT
BEING HERE!!!!!!!

*When replying to your mail, correct everyone's grammar and spelling and
point out their typos, but don't otherwise respond to the content of
their messages.  When they respond testily to your 'creative criticism,"
do it again.  Continue until they go away.

*Software and files offered on-line are often "compressed" so that it
won't take so long to travel over the phone lines.  Buy a compression
program and compress everything you send, including one-word E-mail
responses like "Thanks."

*Upload text files with Bible passages about sin or guilt and give them
names like "SexyHouseWives," then see how many people download them.
Challenge your friends to come up with the most popular come-on.  Take
bets and calculate odds on the results of each upload's popularity.

*cc: all your E-mail to Al Gore (vice.president@whitehouse.gov) so that
he can keep track of what's happening on the information Superhighway
Internet.

*Join a discussion group, and tie whatever's being discussed back to an
unrelated central theme of your own.  For instance, if you're in a
discussion of gun control, respond to every message with the observation
that those genetically superior tomatoes seem to have played an important
role.  Within days, all discussion of gun control will have ceased as
people write you threatening messages and instruct all other members to
ignore you.