Woman goes into a hardware store and asks the clerk for two AA batteries. 
The clerk gestures with his fingers and says, "Come this way," and heads 
towards the back of the store.
"If I could come that way," she tells the retreating clerk, "I wouldn't 
need the batteries." 

Little Tommy is at the zoo on a school visit and he spots a deer. Being a 
city kid he's never seen one before and so he asks his teacher, "What's 
that, Miss?"
Miss decides to play a word game with him and says, "That's what your 
Daddy calls Mummy, Tommy."
Tommy thinks for a moment and then says, "I'm not stupid Miss, I know that 
ain't a fucking pig!"

What's the difference between a nun and a woman taking a shower?

The nun has hope in her soul.

Why does Bill Clinton wear underwear? 

    To keep his ankles warm. 

A little Catholic kid was praying as hard as he could.
'God,' he prayed, 'I really want a car.'
Jumping up and dashing to the window, he saw that the driveway was empty.
'God,' he prayed again, 'I really NEED a car.'
Still no answer to his prayers. Suddenly the kid stood up, ran into his 
parents' bedroom, and grabbed the statuette of the Virgin Mary off the 
mantelpiece. He wrapped it up in ten layers of paper, using three rolls of 
tape and a spool of twine, then stuffed it inside a box at the very bottom 
of his closet.
'Okay, God,' he said, getting down onto his knees again, 'if you ever want 
to see your mother again...'