One day, a Smartie and a Polo were having a drink in the pub.

Suddenly the pub door swings open and in walks a Humbug.

“Fuck me” shouts Polo, and immediately dives under the table.

“What the fuck are you doing that for?” says Smartie.

“That humbug always gives me a right good kicking whenever I see

him, so I’m hiding from him” says Polo.

“You should stand up to him” says Smartie. “He’ll respect you more

if you do”

Sure enough, the humbug walks over and gives the Polo a right slap.

“Fuck off you stripy wanker, or I’ll knock the fucking shit out of

you” says Polo.

“Hey, no problem man, can I buy you a drink” says Humbug.

“Told you so” says Smartie.

The next night Polo and Smartie are sitting in the pub again, when in

walks Humbug with his mate, Tune.

“Fuck me” shouts Polo again diving under the table.

“What the fuck are you doing that for again” says Smartie.

“I know you said stand up to bullies, but thats Tune” says Polo.

“So what?” says Smartie.

“He’s fucking menthol” says Polo.

sent by Steve Butler

                   HOUSE PET

       Age         Pet

        17         roaches
        25         stoned-out college roommate
        35         Irish setter
        48         children from his first marriage
        66         Barbi

"Hey, Pal", the irate druggist shouted, "Put that cigar out
while you are in my store!"
"I bought this cigar here!" claimed the Customer.
"Big Deal!", said the Druggist. "We sell condoms too."

While enjoying a drink with a mate one night, this bloke 
decides to try his luck with an attractive young girl sitting alone 
by the bar.  To his surprise, she asks him to join her for a drink 
and eventually asks him if he'd like to come back to her place. 

The pair jump into a taxi and as soon as they get back to her 
flat they dive onto the bed and spend the night hard at it. 

Finally, the spent young bloke rolls over, pulls out a
cigarette from his jeans and searches for his lighter. Unable to 
find it, he asks the girl if she has one at hand.

"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replies.

Opening the drawer of the bedside table, he finds a box of 
matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another 
man. Naturally, the bloke begins to worry. "Is this your 
husband?" he inquires nervously.

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?"

"No, don't be daft," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demands the bewildered bloke.
Calmly, the girl takes a match, strikes it across the side of her 
face and replies, "That's me before the operation."

What was the last thing Di said to Dodi?

Don't you think were taking this thing a little too fast?