American University Grading Procedures
     
   
Here is a list of the ways professors here at the American
University grade their final exams:

DEPT OF STATISTICS:
 - All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve.

DEPT OF PSYCHOLOGY:
 - Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close
them and turn them in.  The professor opens the books  and
assigns the first grade that comes to mind.

DEPT OF HISTORY:
 - All students get the same grade they got last year.

DEPT OF RELEGION:
 - Grade is determined by God.

DEPT OF PHILOSOPHY:
 - What is a grade?

LAW SCHOOL:
 - Students are asked to defend their position of why they
should receive an A.

DEPT OF MATHEMATICS:
 - Grades are variable.

DEPT OF COMPUTER SCIENCE:
 - If and only if the student is present for the final and
the student has accumulated a passing grade then the student
will receive an A else the student will not receive an A.

MUSIC DEPARTMENT:
 - Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the
 instructor play the corresponding note (+ and - would be sharp
 and flat respectively).

DEPT OF PHYSICAL EDUCATION:
 - Everybody gets an A.
  

Two confirmed bachelors sat talking. Their conversation drifted 
from politics to cooking. "I got a cookbook once," said the first, 
"but I could never do anything with it."

"Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?" asked the second.

"You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way - 
'Take a clean dish and....'"

A cop sees a car weaving all over the road and pulls it over. He walks up 
to the car and sees a nice-looking woman is driving and smells liquor on 
her breath. He says, "I'm going to have to give you the breathalyzer test 
to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol." She blows up the 
balloon and he walks over to the police car.
After a couple of minutes comes back and says, "It looks like you've had a 
couple of stiff ones." She replies "You mean it shows that, too?"

A homeless man walks into a diner with enough change for a cup of coffee. 
Seated next to him at the counter, was a well-dressed man with a bowl of 
chili in front of him. A few minutes later, finishing his cup of coffee, 
the homeless man begins to notice that the stranger next to him is not 
eating his chili, but rather just staring at it, looking confused and 
disoriented. Not having eaten in two days, the homeless man asks the 
stranger: "Sir, I'm cold and hungry and haven't eaten in days. If you're 
not going to eat your chili, do you mind if I have it?" With little 
acknowledgement, the stranger simply shoves the bowl in his direction. 
Minutes later, the homeless man, having nearly finished the entire bowl of 
chili, discovers, in the bottom of the bowl - a small pile of dog turds. 
Immediately, the homeless man becomes sick and vomits the chili back into 
the bowl. Finally, the stranger seated next to him turned to him and said 
"I know how you feel, buddy. That's about as far as I got, too."

A pedophile dies in a car crash and goes to heaven. He's stopped at
the pearly gates by St. Peter, who is really miffed:
"You swine. How can you have the audacity to try and enter heaven after
you have lead such a perverted, ungodly life. Do you think you have a
snowballs chance in hell of meeting god?"
"Fuck God... I'm after the baby Jesus."