The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about 
something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time 
came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on 
them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing 
that he sometimes could be a bit crude.
But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the 
class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the 
blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn't figure out what 
Johnnie had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him 
just what that was.
"It's a period" reported Johnnie. "Well I can see that" she said. "But 
what is so exciting about a period?"
"Damned if I know" said Johnnie, "but this morning my sister said she 
missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next 
door shot himself." 

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse
   falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go
   and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to
   the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's
   Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He
   then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and
   drives the car forward saving him from sinking!
   A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow
   again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to
   the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I
   think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of
   the hole and said, "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up." And
   the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.
   The moral of the story:
   If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up
   chicks.

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 
124.7" 

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure... by 
the way, as we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on 
the far end of the runway." 

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure 
on 124.7... did you copy the report from Eastern?" 

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff... and 
yes, we copied Eastern and we've already notified our 
caterers."

At a jury trial with the jury consisting of 8 men and 4 women:

Defendant: "Your Honor, I wish to change my plea."

Judge: "Is someone using undue influence to prompt you to 
change your mind?"

Defendant: "No sir, when I pleaded Not Guilty I didn't know 
there would be women on the jury. Since I can't even fool my 
wife, I'll never be able to fool the four women jurors."

A pheasant was standing in a field chatting to a bull. "I
   would love to be able to get to the top of yonder tree", sighed the
   pheasant, "but I haven"t got the energy".
   Well, why don"t you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.
   "They"re packed with nutrients".
   The pheasant pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave
   him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next
   day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch and so
   on. Finally, after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the
   top of the tree, whereupon he was spotted by a farmer who dashed into
   the farmhouse, emerged with a shotgun, and shot the pheasant right out
   of the tree.
   Moral of the Story:
   Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won"t keep you there.