An old man and his wife went to the doctor for a check-up.
   While the man is with the doctor, the doctor askes him, "So how has
   life been treating
   you?" The old man replies,"The Lord's been good to me. Every night
   when I go to the
   bathroom, He turns the light on and when I'm finished, He turns the
   light off."
   While the old woman is with the doctor, the doctor told her what her
   husband said. She
   replied, "Damn it! The old fart's been pissing in the ice box again!"
   

   A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to paint
   the toilet seat. The wife comes home sooner than expected, sits, and
   gets the seat stuck to her rear. She is understandably distraught
   about this and asks her husband to drive her to the doctor. She puts
   on a large overcoat so as to cover the stuck seat, and they go.
   
   When they get to the doctor's, the man lifts his wife's coat to show
   their predicament. The man asks, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything
   like this before?"
   
   "Well, yes," the doctor replies, "but not framed like that."
   

Where does Peter Pan eat?

Wendy's

   There was a large nuclear accident and one of the worlds largest
   cities was totally
   destroyed. There were millions of people dead it was a real tragedy.
   With that many people
   of course things got backed up at the pearly gates, where they have to
   interview everyone.
   The people were lined up for miles. Then at the front of the line a
   large cheer went up, and
   there was much rejoicing. Of course the people at the back of the line
   were curious about
   what was happening. Finally one man stepped out and called toward the
   front of the line,
   "what's going on?" Someone called back "They ain't gonna count
   fucking."
   

They just found out Clinton's been stuffing turf in his underpants.
They're for grass roots support.