The subway car was packed.  It was rush hour, and many people were
forced to stand.  One particularly cramped woman turned to the man
behind her and said, "Sir, if you don't stop poking me with your thing,
I'm going to the cops!"
"I don't know what you're talking about miss - that's just my pay check
in my pocket."
"Oh really" she spat."then you must have some job,
because that's the fifth raise you've had in the last half hour."

Conversation over dinner:

 WOMAN: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
 MAN:   Definitely not!
 WOMAN: Why not - don't you like being married?
 MAN:   Of course I do.
 WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
 MAN:   Okay, I'd get married again.
 WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
 MAN:   (makes audible groan)
 WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
 MAN:   Where else would we sleep?
 WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with
        pictures of her?
 MAN:   That would seem like the proper thing to do.
 WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
 MAN:   She can't use them; she's left-handed.
 WOMAN: - - - silence - - -
 MAN:   Oh Shit.

A man was wandering around a fairground and he happened to see a
fortune-teller's tent. Thinking it would be good for a laugh, he
went inside and sat down. "Ah....." said the woman as she gazed
into her crystal ball. "I see you are the father of two children."
"That's what you think," said the man scornfully. "I'm the father
of THREE children." The woman grinned and said, "That's what YOU
think."

A woman orders a chicken sandwhich and starts to choke.
People are running frantically, trying to figure out
what to do. Two homosexuals sitting in the corner wisper
to each other and run in front of the choking lady. One
strips out of his overalls, bends over butt naked in front
of his friend. His friend proceeds to lick the other's ass.
Upon seeing this, the lady vomits forcing the lodged food
from her throat. After making sure the lady is OK, the two
homosexuals return to their food.

One turns to the other and says,
"Wow, that hind-lick manuever really works!" 

During the Mexican/American war, an intense long standoff 
occured along the front. For days and days neither side made 
any advances. Finally, an American general had a bright idea. 

He aimed his rifle to the Mexican trenches and yelled "Hey 
Juan!".....A soldier jumped up and replied "What?" The general 
shot him dead. This continued for three days. 

A Mexican general decided that two could play this game and 
decided to try it out. He called out "Hey John!!" 

An American replied "John isn't here......is that you Juan?" The 
Mexican general stood up, "Yeah?!".....