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Today's jokes [2.16.05]

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Q: How do you make a hormone?
A: Don't pay her.


1.   Vote:    Category: Miscellaneous Send this joke to a friend




   Wife comes home to find the old man humping the dog in the front room.
   "My God
   Henry", she screams, "I know you've had other woman but this time
   you've gone too far!"
   "You may be right" he says, "I think I'm stuck."
   


2.   Vote:    Category: Animal World Send this joke to a friend




A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is 
foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a 
close shave around the cheeks. 

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small 
wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between 
your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber 
proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. 

After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech.
"And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow 
like everyone else does."

3.   Vote:    Categories: Situations, Ouch! Send this joke to a friend




Two zebras are talking and one asks the other, "Am I black with white 
stripes or white with black stripes?" The other replies, "Well I don't 
know. You should pray to God about that and ask him." So that night he did 
and God replied, "You are what you are." The next day he said to the other 
zebra, "I still don't understand what I am because God just said, You are 
what you are." The second zebra responds, "You must be white with black 
stripes or else God would have said, Yo is what yo is." 

4.   Vote:    Category: Ethnic Send this joke to a friend




Guyness Quiz

Take This Scientific Quiz to Determine Your Guyness Quotient

1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you
   are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic
   friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated
   device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite
   supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently
   eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide
   to:

a. Present it to the president of the United States.
b. Present it to the secretary general of the United Nations.
c. Take it apart.


2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you
   miss the most?

a. Innocence.
b. Idealism.
c. Cherry bombs.


3. When is it okay to kiss another male?

a. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard
   for narrow-minded social conventions.
b. When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.)
c. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only
   really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business reasons,
   you have to have him killed.


4. What about hugging another male?

a. If he's your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease.
b. If you're performing the Heimlich maneuver. (And even in this case,
   you should repeatedly shout: "I am just dislodging food trapped in this
   male's trachea!  I am not in any way aroused!")
c. If you're a professional baseball player and a teammate hits a home
   run to win the World Series, you may hug him provided that:


   (1) He is legally within the basepath,
   (2) Both of you are wearing protective cups, and
   (3) You also pound him fraternally with your fist hard enough to
       cause fractures.


5. Complete this sentence: A funeral is a good time to...

a. ...remember the deceased and console his loved ones.
b. ...reflect upon the fleeting transience of earthly life.
c. ...tell the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's disease and
   cancer.


6. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:

a. A cat.
b. A dog.
c. A dog that eats cats.


7. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive
   Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy -- you're watching a
   football game; she's reading the papers -- when she suddenly, out of the clear
   blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but she can no
   longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going.
   She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you
   believe that you have some kind of future together.  What do you say?

a. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you
   don't want to rush it.
b. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot
   honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting
   commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
c. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third and
   seventeen.


8. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want
   to spend the rest of your life with her -- sharing the joys and the
   sorrows, the triumphs and the tragedies, and all the adventures and
   opportunities that the world has to offer, come what may.  How do you
   tell her?

a. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
b. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name,
   and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair and the
   stars in her eyes, you tell her.
c. Tell her what?


9. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to
   get your three children ready for school.  Your first question to her
   is:

a. "Do they need to eat or anything?"
b. "They're in school already?"
c. "There are three of them?"


10. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?

a. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes
   so large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended for
   your legs.
b. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and
   has to be handled with tweezers.
c. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks
   the garbage regularly in case somebody -- and we are not naming names,
   but this would be his wife -- is quietly trying to discard his
   underwear, which she is frankly jealous of, because the guy seems to
   have a more intimate relationship with it than with her.


11. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the
    fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years
    before they finally got to the Promised Land?

a. He was being tested.
b. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they
   finally got there.
c. He refused to ask directions.


12. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?

a. Democracy.
b. Religion.
c. Remote control.


How to Score: Give yourself one point for every time you picked answer
"c." A real guy would score at least 10 on this test. In fact, a real
guy would score at least 15, because he would get the special
five-point bonus for knowing the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's
disease and cancer.



5.   Vote:    Categories: Tests, Men Send this joke to a friend



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