Seen on the back of a food service delivery van:

Driver does not
carry more than $50
worth of lasagna

When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old 
came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower.  
She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"  I replied, "Yes, honey, remember 
Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy." "I know," she replied, "but what 
is growing in your butt?"

In ancient England a person could not have sex unless you
had consent of the King (unless you were in the Royal Family).
When anyone wanted to have a baby, they got the consent of
the King and the King gave them placard that they hung on
their door while they were having sex.
The placard had F. U. C. K. on it
(Fornication Under Consent of the King).