A nun is walking down a deserted road when a man grabs her and starts 
raping her. After the rapist is done, he says, "Hey Sister, what are you 
going to tell the other Sisters now?"
"I'll tell them the truth, that you grabbed me, threw me to the ground, 
and raped me twice....unless you're tired." she responded. 

This guy's in the rear of a full elevator and he shouts, "Ballroom
please." A lady standing in front of him turns around and says, 
"I'm sorry, I didn't realize I was crowding you."

How do you get a blonde's eyes to sparkle?
    
Shine a flashlight in her ear.

For many years, the border between Poland and Russia was 
volatile.  Due to a political shift, a farmer found that he was no 
longer a Russian, but had become a Pole.   Thrilled, he told his 

wife, "Thank God !  No more of those freezing Russian 
winters."

   If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not
   strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear
   and a superman cape.
   It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a
   20 by 20 foot room
   When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it's already too
   late
   Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it
   A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36
   year old man says they can only do it in the movies
   If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it
   does not leak - it explodes
   A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4
   inches deep
   Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old
   Super glue is forever
   McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know
   No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool you still can't
   walk on water
   Pool filters do not like Jello
   VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show
   they do
   Always look in the oven before you turn it on
   The fire department in San Jose has at least a 5 minute response time
   The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy
   It will however make cats dizzy
   Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy