A man tried to sell his neighbour a new dog. "This is a talking dog," he
said. "And you can have him for five dollars." The neighbour said, "Who do
you think you're kidding with this talking dog stuff? There ain't no such
animal."
Suddenly the dog looked up with tears in his eyes. "Please buy me, Sir," he
pleaded. "This man is cruel. He never buys me a meal, never bathes me,
never takes me for a walk. And I used to be the richest trick dog in
America. I performed before kings. I was in the army and was decorated ten
times."
"Hey!" said the neighbour. "He can talk. Why do you want to sell him for
just five dollars?" "Because," said the seller, "I'm getting tired of all
his lies."

This wife has been married for seven years and has six kids
and is tired of being pregnant. So, she goes to talk to her
priest, the priest tells her to go and by a ten gallon bucket
and stick her feet in it of a night, she thanks him and goes
off to do as he says.

Well six months later the priest sees her and sure enough she
is pregnant again. The priest asks her if she followed his
instructions, she said yes but that she could not find a ten
gallon bucket so she bought two five gallon buckets. 

Here's a pretty nasty one:

Why are they having such a hard time finding a cure for AIDS?

The scientists can't get the mice to butt fuck.

Q:  What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
A:  You can unscrew a light bulb.

At the morning roll call at Fort Dix, the sergeant called out,
"Platoon, atten-HUT! Private Martinez, report to the office. Your 
brother died last night."
The Chaplain, Rabbi Horowitz, looked on in horror. "Sergeant," he said
afterwards, "that's a rather cruel and unfeeling way to break tragic 
news. We must be more gentle and less abrupt in the future,"
The sergeant shrugged. "Yes sir. I'll try to remember that." He didn't
look very convinced.
Several days later, a call came in about another family death. As the 
troops were assembling for roll call, the Chaplain stepped forward.
"Let me take this one, sergeant", he said. He turned toward the 
sleepy-looking soldiers and said, "Platoon, atten-HUT !" They came to 
attention. "Good morning, men!" he said. "Good morning, sir", they 
replied. "Men, today is Mother's Day, and I hope all of you will be 
calling home to send your moms a loving thought. In fact, all of you
who are fortunate enough to still have a mother who's alive and well, 
take two steps forward. Private Jones; not so fast!"