A tourist from Albegestan goes on his first overseas trip.
Upon arriving, he is visibly puzzled filling his visa
application. The border official look s over his shoulder,
and sees the tourist trying to write 'Twice a week' into
the small space labeled 'SEX'. 

The official explains: "No, no, no. That is not what we
mean by this question. We are asking 'Male' or 'Female'." 

"Doesn't matter," the tourist answers. 

   The day after a man lost his wife in a boating accident, he was
   greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.
   
   "We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have
   some information about your wife."
   
   "Well, tell me!" the man said.
   
   The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some good news and some
   really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"
   
   Fearing the worst, Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."
   
   So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you sir, but this morning we
   found your wife's body in San Francisco Bay."
   
   "Oh my god!" said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering
   what the policeman had said, he asked, "What's the good news?"
   
   "Well," said the policeman, "When we pulled her up she had two
   five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her."
   
   "If that's the good news than what's the great news?!" Mr. Wilkens
   demanded.
   
   The policeman said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow
   morning."
   

   Father, mother and son decide to go to the zoo one day. So they set
   off and are seeing lots of animals. Eventually they end up opposite
   the elephant house. The boy looks at the elephant, sees its willy,
   points to it and says, "Mummy, what is that long thing?"
   
   His mother replies, "That, son, is the elephant's trunk."
   
   "No, at the other end."
   
   "That, son is the tail."
   
   "No, mummy, the thing under the elephant."
   
   A short embarrassed silence after which she replies, "That's nothing."
   
   The mother goes to buy some ice-cream and the boy, not being satisfied
   with her answer, asks his father the same question.
   
   "Daddy, what is that long thing?"
   
   "That's the trunk, son," replies the father.
   
   "No at the other end."
   
   "Oh, that is the tail."
   
   "No, no daddy, the thing below," asks the son in desperation.
   
   "That is the elephants penis. Why do you ask son?"
   
   "Well mummy said it was nothing," says the boy.
   
   Replies the father: "I tell you, I spoil that woman ..."
   

Where does Peter Pan eat?

Wendy's

Q: What's the differenc between a blond and a mosquito?

A: A mosquito stops sucking once you whack it.