If the NSA made toasters...
Your toaster would have a secret trap door that only the
NSA could access in case they needed to get at your toast
for reasons of national security.

    She said, "Kiss me doctor!" 

    Doctor said, "I can't as we doctors have an ethics 
    standard that does not allow us to kiss our patients, 
    in fact, I really shouldn't be fucking you."

   A Guy goes into a bar with his pet octopus and says, "I bet $50 that
   no one here has a musical instrument that this octopus can't play."
   
   The people in the bar look around and someone fetches out an old
   guitar. The octopus has a look, picks it up, tunes up the strings and
   starts playing the guitar. The octopus' owner pockets the fifty bucks.
   
   The next guy comes up with a trumpet, octopus takes the horn, loosens
   up the keys, licks it's lips and starts playing a jazz solo. The guy
   hands over another fifty bucks to the octopus' owner.
   
   The bar owner has been watching all this and disappears out back,
   coming back a few moments later with a set of bagpipes under his arm.
   He puts them on the bar and says to the guy, "Now if your octopus can
   play that I'll give you a hundred dollars."
   
   The octopus takes a look at the bagpipes, lifts it up, turns it over,
   and has another look from a different angle. Puzzled, the octopus'
   owner comes up and says, "What are you pissing around for? Hurry up
   and play the damn thing !"
   
   The octopus says, "Play it ? If I can figure out how to get it's
   pajama's off, I'm gonna fuck it! "
   

A blonde named Mary decides to do something really wild. Something she
hasn't done before, so she goes out to rent her first X-rated adult
video.
She goes to the video store, and after looking around for a while,
selects a title that sounds very stimulating.
She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable,
and puts the tape in the VCR.
To her disappointment, there's nothing but static on the screen, so she
calls the video store to complain.
"I just rented an adult movie from you and there's nothing on the tape
but static," she says.
"Sorry about that. We've had problems with some of those tapes. Which
title did you rent?" the clerk replies.

"Head Cleaner," Mary replies.

What has a woman got in common with a box of Kentucky Fried Chicken?

Once you get past the tender breast and the juicy thigh, all you're left
with is a greasy box.