The first Jewish woman President is elected.
She calls her Mother: "Mama, I've won the elections,
you've got to come to the swearing-in ceremony."
"I don't know, what would I wear?"
"Don't worry, I'll send you a dressmaker"
"But I only eat kosher food"
"Mama, I am going to be the president, I can get you kosher food"
"But how will I get there?"
"I'll send a limo, just come mama"
"Ok, Ok, if it makes you happy.
The great day comes and Mama is seated between the Supreme Court
Justices and the Future Cabinet members, she nudges the gentleman
on her right. "You see that girl, the one with her hand on the Bible?"
..."Her brother's a doctor!" 

Three dogs are sitting in the waiting room of a vets office. One is a
poodle, one is a schnauzer and the other is a great Dane.
The poodle turns to the schnauzer and asks "why are you here?"
The schnauzer responds, "I'm 17 years old. I don't see or hear very well.
I've been having accidents in the house. My owner says I'm too old and sick
so he brought me here to be put to sleep."
The schnauzer asks the poodle "why are you here?"
The poodle responds, "I've not been myself lately. I've been especially high
strung. I've been barking all the time, I've been snapping at people and I
even bit one of the neighbor's kids. Nobody knows why this has been
happening. My owner says he can't risk me biting somebody else so he brought
me here to be put to sleep."
The poodle and schnauzer ask the great Dane why he is here.
The great Dane responds: "My owner is this beautiful runway model. Yesterday
she was walking around the house naked when she suddenly bent down to pick
up something she dropped. She was bent over and naked when nature took over
and the next thing I know I'm on top of her doing the doggie thing. I
couldn't help myself. "
The poodle asks: "so she brought you here to put to sleep?"
"Oh, no...., I'm just here to get my nails trimmed."

A woman gives birth by a Caesarian and passes out. When she comes to her 
senses, the doctor approaches her bed and says:
"I'm sorry to tell you, Mrs. Smith, that your baby has some serious 
problems." 
"What problems, doctor? I mean, when it arrives, I'll love it. It's my 
child and I'll love it regardless." 
"Well, yes, of course,... but your child has no legs." 
"Oh dear. Well, it's my child, and I'll love it regardless." 
"And it hasn't got any arms either." 
"What?" 
"Exactly what I said. Your child doesn't have a body, or a face. In fact, 
your child is only a very, very big ear." 
The woman is in anguish, but she still tells the doctor to bring her her 
son.
"Sonny, dear, it's me your mother! Do you hear me!?"
"There is no need to scream," says the doctor "it's deaf."

Three nurses all decided to play a joke on the doctor they worked for. 
Later in the day, they all got together on break and discussed what they 
had done to the doctor. The first nurse said, "I put cotton in his 
stethoscope so he couldn't hear. The second nurse said, "Well, I did worse 
than that. I poked holes in all his condoms. The third nurse fainted.

Proctologists



      Of all the professions we fear, one stands out.  No, it's not
 "mortician;" by then it's too late.  This is a word that makes a
 certain part of our anatomy pucker in anticipation.  Yes, the word is
 "proctologist;" the dreaded p-word!  The mere mention of the word
 strikes terror deep inside most of us.  9 1/2 of every 10 adults
 would prefer a root canal over a visit to Dr. Finger.  (Source: I
 Made It Up Survey)  The other half is into that sort of thing.

   Proctologist; from the Greek meaning "pain in the ass."  Did you
 ever wonder who was the first proctologist?  My research shows it was
 Dr. Ben Dover, who was fed up with mainstream medicine and wanted to
 boldly go where no one had gone before, "I think I'll devote my life
 to making people as uncomfortable as possible... since dentistry is
 taken, I'll start at the other end."

    Have you ever gone to a party and been introduced to a doctor.
 After a hardy handshake, you discover he's a proctologist. Even wash-
 ing your hands 6 times, you still find yourself only eating with your
 left hand.  He is the one doctor you never ask for free advice, "Doc,
 I've got this thing right here, can you take a look at it?  But he's
 one person who's seen more assholes than you'd find at a political
 convention.

    Throughout the ages, proctologists have been the butt of many
 jokes; butt I would not stoop to that level here.  I have given a
 considerable number of minutes to formulating ideas to improve
 people's concept of these doctors of the down under.

 o In order for a proctologist to receive their medical certifica-
   tion, their hand must fit in a size one glove, and they must have
   their fingernails removed.
 o The proctologist's genitals shall literally be placed in the hands
   of the patient. At the first sign of discomfort, the patient may
   exert an equal pressure producing a similar discomfort.
 o Proctologist's advertising shall NOT include phrases like:
     "Let our fingers do the walking."
     "We'll bend over backwards for you."
     "Please, take my seat."
     "We give 'Moon over Miami' a hole new meaning."
     "It looks like the End."
o Doctors will not be allowed to use wise cracks or ice breakers
   like:
      "I can't place my finger on it, butt you look familiar."
      "Don't have a seat, I'll be right with you."
      "Quick, nurse! Get the camera! They'll never believe THIS one!"
      "Yes, I see a family resemblance."
      "Hmmmm, looks like you're a quart low."
      "The first three feet might be a bit uncomfortable; after that..."
      "Out of K-Y Jelly?  Oh well, let's do a dry run."
      "I'm putting you on a low-bean diet."
      "Nurse, give me a number 2 sandpaper glove."
      "How long have you had this crack in your butt?"
      "I see you had pizza last night."
      "When was the last time you had a lub and oil change?"
      "Ah, you must be gay."
      "Nurse, come here. Ya want to feel something really weird?"
      "Ooops, I think I lost my  watch."
      "I've never seen stalagmites growing in one before!!"
      "If you think that was a pain in the ass, wait till you get my  bill."
      "Gee, I hope I can get this out."
      "When was the last time you had your barnacles scraped?"
      "Nurse! Who let this asshole in my office?"

Jack Kolb
Dept. of English, UCLA
kolb@ucla.edu