One day our professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. A
pre-med student rudely interrupted to ask "Why do we have to learn this
stuff?"
"To save lives." the professor responded quickly and continued the 
lecture.
A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. "So how does physics
save lives?" he persisted.
"It keeps the ignoramuses out of medical school," replied the professor.

   After the lavish wedding reception, the newlyweds retired to their
   Honeymoon Suite. The groom turned down the lights and found some nice
   CDs to stack on the player. Then he excused himself and returned in
   pajamas and robe. He opened a bottle of champagne and poured them each
   a drink, unaware that his new bride had already had more than enuff to
   drink. Finally, he took the girl of his dreams, whom he had wed after
   a whirl-wind courtship, by the hand and tenderly began to lead her
   towards the bedroom.
   
   "Damn !" she muttered, "every stinking time I go out with a guy it
   always ends up the same way."

A lady from California purchased a piece of timber land in 
Oregon. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in 
the tract. She wanted to get a good view of her land so she 
started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top,she 
encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. 

In her haste to escape, the lady slid down the tree to the 
ground and got many splinters in her private parts. In 
considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor. 

He listened to her story then told her to go into the examining 
room and he would see if he could help her.She sat and waited 
for three hours before the doctor reappeared. 

The angry lady demanded " What took you so long?" and he 
replied "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental 
Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land 
Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a 
recreational area."

What's 3 feet tall and gives me head?
My son.

What's the difference between Madonna and the Panama Canal?

Well, you see, the Panama canal is a busy ditch...