A man walks in to a doctors office and says, "Doctor you must help me.
   I have AIDS."
   The doctor replies, "Are you gay?" The man answers "yes." The doctor
   says, "I think I
   can help. Go to the grocery store, buy a box of laxatives and a quart
   of prune juice.Take
   ALL of the laxatives and drink ALL of the prune juice. Take a nap for
   a couple of hours.
   When you wake up your problem will be solved." The man answers, "Will
   that cure my
   AIDS?" The doctor replies, "No, but you will find out what your ass
   hole is really for!"
   

Once some boys got together to play poker one 
night, after about 4 hours of playing, Tim had 
severe chest pains and suddenly slumped over, one 
of the gamblers who happened to be a doctor, 
examined him, and to everybodies shock, poor Tim 
had died of a heart attack.
All his friends didn't know how to break the news 
to his wife, finally Johnny said: 'I can be 
diplomatic about it and break the news gently!'.
Johnny rang the bell at Tim's house, and when his 
wife answered the door, he calmly said to her: 
'Tim just gambled with us and lost 1,000 dollars!' 
When Tim's wife heard this she said: 'Tell him to 
just drop dead!' 
Johnny answered: 'That's exactly what he did!'.

Process-Oriented God



           If God was process oriented, the Book of Genesis might read something like
                                              this:

             In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth.  The earth was
             without form and void, so God created a small committee.  He carefully
           balanced the committee vis-a-vis race, gender, ethnic origin, and economic
               status in order to interface pluralism with the holistic concept of
                    self-determination according to adjudicatory guidelines.
                          Even God was impressed, and so ended the first day.

           And God said, "Let the committee draw up a mission statement."  And behold,
             the committee decided to prioritize and strategize and God called that
                  process empowerment.  And God thought it sounded pretty good.
                              And evening and morning were the second day.

           And God said, "Let the committee determine goals and objectives and engage
               in long-term planning."  Unfortunately, a debate about the semantic
           differences between goals and objectives pre-empted almost all of the third
           day.  Although the question was never satisfactorily resolved, God thought
                                  the process was constructive.
                              And evening and morning were the third day.

            And God said, "Let there be a retreat in which the committee can envision
               functional organization and engage in planning by objectives."  The
          committee considered adjustment of priorities and consequential alternatives
          to program directions, and God saw that this was good.  And God thought that
              it was even worth all of the coffee and donuts that he had to supply.
                                      And so ended the fourth day.

          And God said, "Let the committee be implemented with long-range planning and
           strategy."  The committee considered guidelines and linkages and structural
            sensitivities, and alternatives and implemental models.  And God saw that
                                    this was very democratic.
                  And so would have ended the fifth day, except for the unintentional
            renewal of the debate about the differences between goals and objectives.

          On the sixth day the committee agreed on criteria for adjudicatory assessment
          and evaluation.  This wasn't the agenda that God had planned.  He wasn't able
           to attend, however, because he had to take the afternoon off to create day
           and night and heaven and earth and seas and plants and stars and trees and
           seasons and years and sun and moon and birds and fish and animals and human
                                             beings.

                  On the seventh day God rested and the committee submitted its
           recommendations.  It turned out that the recommended forms for things were
             nearly identical to the way that God had created them; so the committee
           passed a resolution commending God for his implementation according to the
           guidelines.  There was, however, some opinion expressed that people should
                           have been created in the committee's image.

                  And God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the committee . . .

A Kentucky teacher was quizzing her students. "Johnny, who  signed the

Declaration of Independence?"  He said, "Damn if I know."  She was a little

put out by his swearing, so she told him  to go home and to bring his

father with him when he came back. Next day, the father came with his son,

sat in the back of  the room to observe.  She started back in on her quiz

and finally got back to the boy. "Now, Johnny, I'll ask you again. Who

signed the Declaration of Independence?" "Well, hell, teacher," Johnny

said, "I told you I didn't  know." The father jumped up in the back,

pointed a stern finger at  his son, and said, "Johnny, if you signed that

damn thing, hell, you damn well better admit it!"

Sent by Kelly

Q: What's the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?
A: Snowballs.