A man let out a humongous burp. Nearby, a man loudly says,
"How dare you burp before my wife!" The burper replies,
"Hell, I didn't even know she wanted to go first!" 

   A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and
   while he's drinking it the monkey is running wild. The monkey jumps up
   on the pool table and grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and
   swallows it whole.
   
   The bartender is livid and says to the guy, "Did you see what your
   monkey just did?"
   
   "No. What did that stupid shit do this time?" says the patron.
   
   "Well, he just swallowed the cue ball off the pool table, whole" says
   the bartender.
   
   "Yeah, well I hope it kills the fucker because he's been driving me
   nuts" says the patron.
   
   The guy finishes his drink and leaves.
   
   Two weeks later he comes back with the monkey. He orders a drink and
   the monkey starts running wild around the bar again. While the man is
   drinking his drink, the monkey finds some peanuts on the bar. He grabs
   one, sticks it up his ass, then pulls it out and eats it. The
   bartender is disgusted.
   
   "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
   
   "What now?" responds the patron. "Well, he stuck a peanut up his ass,
   then pulled it out and ate it" says the bartender.
   
   "Well, what do you expect?" replied the patron. "Ever since he ate
   that damn cue ball he measures everything first!!!"
   

Two pedophiles were sitting on the beach.

One said to the other "Hey get out of my son!" 

Mr. Goldfarb was walking down the street. In each arm he carried a bag. He 
ran into Mr. Klein. Mr. Klein asked, "What are those bags for?"
"I'm collecting for Israel", said Mr. Goldfarb.
"You need two bags?", asked Mr. Klein.
"I've got a system, said Mr. Goldfarb. It's fantastic. I go into the men's 
room. I pull out a knife and hold it up. Then I say, 'Give for Israel or 
get a circumcision.' It works. I have forty thousand dollars in this bag.
"What do you have in the other bag?", inquired Mr. Klein.
"Oh, well, not everybody gives."

George W. Bush walks into a restaurant in Washington DC with his wife 
Laura. The waiter approaches the table and asks for his order. 
"I'll have your biggest, juiciest London Broil," answers the President. 
"But sir, what about the mad cow?!!" asks the waiter. 
"Oh," answers Dubya, "she'll order for herself."