Tombstone Epitaph 
Someone determined to be anonymous in Stowe, Vermont:
I was somebody.
Who, is no business of yours.

The eighty-eight-year-old millionaire married an eighteen-year-
old country girl.  He was quite content, but after a few weeks 
she told him that she was going to leave him if she didn't get 
some loving real soon. He had his chauffeured limousine take 
him to a high-priced specialist who studied him and then gave 
him a shot of spermatozoa. "Now look," the doctor said, "the 
only way you're going to get it up is to say "beep," and then to 
get it soft again, you say, "beep, beep."

"How marvelous," the old man said.

"Yes, but I must warn you," the doctor said," it's only going to 
work three times before you die."

On his way home, the man decided he wasn't going to live 
through three of them anyway, so he decided to waste one 
trying it out. "Beep!" he said. Immediately he was UP. Satisfied, 
he said, "beep, beep," and he was down again.  He chuckled 
with delight and anticipation. At that moment, a little yellow 
Volkswagen pulled past his limousine and went "beep," and the 
car in the opposite lane responded with "beep beep." 

Alert to his jeopardy, the old man instructed his chauffeur to 
"speed it up."  He raced into the house as fast as he could for 
his last great lay.  "Honey," he shouted at her, "don't ask 
questions.  Just drop your clothes and hope into bed." Caught 
up in his excitement, she did.  He undressed nervously and 
hurried in after her.  Just as he was climbing into bed, he said, 
"beep," and he was UP.

He was just starting to enter his young wife when she said,, 
"What's all this "beep beep" shit?"

What is green, has four legs and smells like woman?

The white house's pool table

   There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which
   one to marry. So he decides to give each one $5000 and see how each of
   them spends it.
   
   The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She
   gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and
   tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you
   because I love you so much."
   
   The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a
   television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I
   bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much."
   
   The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market,
   doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the
   rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future
   because I love you so much."
   
   The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the
   money, and decided to marry the one with the biggest breasts.
   

   Jay: Does the Bible say that if you smoke you can't get to
   heaven?
   Ted: No, but the more you smoke the quicker you'll get there.