A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in
   their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he
   could not help them. The Browns came to see the doctor. He gave them
   thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests, then
   concluded, "Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you. On
   your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some
   grapes and some doughnuts."
   
   "Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across
   the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife's 'love canal'.
   Then, on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and
   retrieve the grape using only your tongue."
   
   "Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the
   room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his
   'love pole'. Then, like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume
   the doughnut."
   
   The couple went home and their sex life became more and more
   wonderful. They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should
   see the good doctor. The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would
   not take the case unless he felt that he could help them. He conducted
   the physical exams and the same battery of tests.
   
   Then he told the Greens the bad news. "I cannot help you, so I will
   not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will
   ever be. I cannot help."
   
   The Greens pleaded with him, and said, "You helped our friends the
   Browns, now please, please help us."
   
   "Well, all right", the doctor said. "On your way home from the office,
   stop at the grocery store and buy some apples and a box of
   Cheerios..."

What is the definition of Agony?

A one-armed man hanging off a cliff with itchy balls.

   Guilty

   Scene: A court room in Oklahoma where a person is on trial for murder.
   There is strong evidence indicating guilt; however, there is no
   corpse. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that
   his client is guilty and that it looks like he'll probably be
   convicted, resorts to a clever trick. "Ladies and gentlemen of the
   jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer says as he looks at
   his watch. "Within 1 minute, the person presumed dead in this case
   will walk into this court room," he says and he looks toward the
   courtroom door. The jury, somewhat stunned, all look on eagerly. A
   minute passes. Nothing happens. Finally the lawyer says: 'Actually, I
   made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with
   anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that there is reasonable
   doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you
   return a verdict of not guilty." The jury, clearly confused, retires
   to deliberate. A very few minutes later, the jury returns and a
   representative pronounces a verdict of guilty. "But how?" inquires the
   lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the
   door." Answers the representative: "Oh, we did look. But your client
   didn't."

Richard Olivier, the son of Sir Laurence Olivier and Joan Plowright
was only a little boy when, on the front at Brighton, he was
confronted by the sight of two dogs mating. The lad turned to Noel
Coward, who was the Olivier's house guest, and said, "What are they
doing, Uncle Noel?"
"The one in front is blind." said Coward unpeturbed, "and the one
behind is being very very sweet and pushing him all the way to
St. Dunstan's." 

A woman goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary
for her recently deceased husband is published. After the editor
informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50 cents a word, she
pauses, reflects and then says, "Well, then, let it read 'Fred Brown
died'." 

Confounded at the woman's thrift, the editor stammers that there is a
7-word minimum for all obituaries. The woman pauses again, counts on
her fingers and replies, "In that case, 'Fred Brown died: 1983 Pick-up
for sale'."