"Father! Father! An old man on crutches walked up to the holy water a
   minute ago, and he
   splashed some on his right leg and then he threw away his right
   crutch! Then he splashed
   some more on the other leg and threw away his left crutch!" "My boy,
   you've witnessed a
   miracle! What happened then?" "He fell on his ass Father he's a
   cripple you know!"
   

Consider the following:
Female guitar player shouting at her boyfriend in a
crowded shopping mall: "Don't forget, sweetheart,
I need a new G string!"

Q: What did the instructor at the school for Kamikaze pilots say to his
   students?
A: Watch closely. I'm only going to do this once.

   Charlie was in a bar and three babes came up and started hitting on
   him. He asked if they
   wanted to come over to his house later. They agreed to come over at
   after they went home
   and got ready. Charlie had a friend who worked in a drugstore, so he
   went to see him. He
   asked his friend if he had anything that would keep him hard all night
   long. The man
   laughed and handed him a bottle of pills instructing him not to take
   more than one. Once at
   home, Charlie figured with three women he should take three pills, so
   he gulped them
   down. The next day Charlie showed up at the drugstore to see his
   friend. Asking for some
   liniment, he showed him his dick which was ripped to shreds. In
   disbelief, his friend asked
   if he was sure that he wanted to put liniment on his dick. Charlie
   replied "No,I need it for
   my arms the women never showed up!"
   

A nosey neighbour remonstrated with the woman in the adjoining apartment.
"Mrs Smith, do you think it is right that a seventeen year old boy spends
three hours every night in your apartment?"
Mrs Smith replied. "Its a platonic friendship. Its play for him and a
tonic for me."