A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's 
final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not 
showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate 
family member's death. 

One smart ass student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?", 
and the whole classroom burst into laughter. After the laughter had 
subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse,
you can just use your other hand to write."

Before I left army basic training in Louisiana, for my
next duty station in Texas, my drill sergeant asked me:
"Son, you know how to find Texas?"
I said "I'm not sure, drill sergeant."
"Well" he says, "you go west till you smell shit."
"Thats Oklahoma"
"Then you turn south 'til you step in it."
"That's Texas."

   My wife is what's generally known as a "Strawberry Blonde", which is
   of course, half blonde/half redhead. Every once in a while though the
   blonde part gains the upper hand. On a recent trip to New York, there
   was a one of those small info signs on the check-in desk. It said:
   Breakfast 6-10; Lunch 11-3; Dinner 4-11.
   
   She took one look at that and said "How in the world are we gonna do
   any sight-seeing ? We'll be so busy eating, we won't have time for
   anything else."