Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked
a young engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you
looking for?"

The engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending
on the benefits package."

The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of
5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company
matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased
every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"

The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

The contemplative routine of the convent was being disrupted 
by the presence of workmen converting the electrical service 
from overhead lines to buried cable. Mother Superior called 
the electric company's complaint department to ask for help.

"The profanity these men use constantly is unsuitable for our 
community. You must make them stop cursing so much.", said 
the nun.

"Very well, sister. But you must make allowances for their 
habits. Even when they are trying to be tactful, they will still 
tend to call a spade a spade.", said the company 
spokeswoman.

Mother superior then observed, "I think the term they actually 
use is 'fucking shovel'".

One day this fellow noticed that a new couple had moved
into the house next door. He was also quick to notice
that the woman liked to sunbathe in the back yard, usually
in a skimpy bikini that showed off a magnificent pair of
breasts. He made it a point to water and trim his lawn as much
as possible, hoping for yet another look. Finally, he could
stand it no more. Walking to the front door of the new neighbor's
house, he knocked and waited. The husband, a large, burly man,
opened the door.
"Excuse me", our man stammered, "but I couldn't help noticing how
beautiful your wife is."
"Yeah? So?" his hulking neighbor replied.
"Well, in particular, I am really struck by how beautiful her breasts
are. I would gladly pay you ten thousand dollars if I could kiss those
breasts."
The burly gorilla is about to deck our poor guy when his wife appears
and stops him. She pulls him inside and they discuss the offer for a
few moments. Finally, they return and ask our friend to step inside.
"OK," the husband says gruffly, "for ten thousand dollars you can kiss
my wife's tits."
At this the wife unbuttons her blouse, and the twin objects of desire
hang free at last. Our man takes one in each hand, and proceeds to rub
his face against them in total ecstasy. This goes on for several minutes,
until the husband gets annoyed. "Well, come on already, kiss 'em!" he
growls.
"I can't" replies our awe-struck hero, still nuzzling away.
"Why not?" demands the husband, getting really angry now.
"I don't have ten thousand dollars."

A man, being on top of a woman, says after a while: 
"Honey, your tits are too small, and your box
is too tight,"

"Get off my back, dear!" she replies

Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle aged couple and a young
newlywed couple wanted to join a church.

The pastor says, "We have special requirements for new parishioners.
You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."

The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor
goes to the elderly couple and asks, "Were you able to abstain from sex
for the two weeks?"

The old man replies, "No problem at all, Pastor."

"Congratulations! Welcome to the church." said the pastor. The pastor
goes to the middle aged couple and asks, "Well, were you able to abstain
from sex for the two weeks?"

The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I
had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes we made it.

"Congratulations!
Welcome to the church." said the pastor. The pastor then goes to the
newlywed couple and asks, 'Well, were you able to abstain from sex for
two weeks?"

"Well Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks,"
the young man replied.

"What happened?" inquired the pastor.
"My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it.
When she bent over to pick it up, I was over come with lust and took
advantage of her right there."

"You understand of course, this means you will not be welcome in our
church," stated the pastor.

"That's OK." said the young man, "We're not welcome at Safeway anymore,
either."