THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN DOGS AND CATS
   A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide
   me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... They
   must be gods!
   A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide
   me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... I
   must be a god!

   Little Johnny's mother decided to give her son an anatomy lesson one
   day, so she took off all of her clothes and pointed to her vagina, and
   said, "Johnny. This is where you come from."
   
   Johnny went to school the next day smiling and insisting all his
   friends now refer to him as "Lucky Johnny."
   
   "Why?" one asked.
   
   Johnny held his fingers an inch apart and said, "Because I came this
   close to being a turd."
   

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when
a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his
butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the
baby was his and asked what was he going to do about
it?
Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until
the boy was 16. She agreed.
He had been counting the years off on his calendar,
and one day the teenager who had been collecting the
meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."
"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been
counting too, tell your mother, when you take this
parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat
she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."
When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The
woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher
and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk,
and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the
expression on HIS face!"

A bus filled with politicians was driving through the
countryside one day, on the campaign trail.  The bus driver,
caught up in the beautiful scenery, loses control and
crashes into the ditch. 
 
    A farmer living nearby hears the horrible crash and
rushes out to discover the wreckage. Finding the politicians
he buries them.
 
   The next day, the police come to the farm to question the
man. "So you buried all the politicians?" asked the police
officer. "Were they all dead?"
 
   The farmer answered, "Some said they weren't, but you
know how politicians lie."

Drunk walks into elevator, no elevator there, falls five stories down, 
lands on the bottom. Lies there a few seconds, slowly opens his eyes,
and then says, ``Dammit, I said UP.''