A man suspected his wife was cheating on him, so when
he left town, he hired a famous Chinese detective to
investigate. A few days later he received this letter.

Most Honorable Sir,

You leave house,
He come to house.
He and she leave house,
I follow.
He and she go to hotel,
I climb tree to see.
He kiss she,
she kiss he.
He strip she,
she strip he.
I play with me,
I fall out of tree,
I not see.

No fee,

Chen Lee

Hoffman and Puscas are bombed, watching the St. Patrick's Day Parade, when 
one of them drops his lit cigarette into a damp mattress that's been left 
out on the sidewalk.
The mattress starts to smoulder just as the blue-hair brigade, the Ladies' 
Auxiliary, is passing by. Hoffman takes a whiff, turns to Puscas, and 
says, "Man... ou think maybe they're marching these ladies too fast?" 

Why does a blonde have curtains on her PC?

To open windows

   Guilty

   Scene: A court room in Oklahoma where a person is on trial for murder.
   There is strong evidence indicating guilt; however, there is no
   corpse. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that
   his client is guilty and that it looks like he'll probably be
   convicted, resorts to a clever trick. "Ladies and gentlemen of the
   jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer says as he looks at
   his watch. "Within 1 minute, the person presumed dead in this case
   will walk into this court room," he says and he looks toward the
   courtroom door. The jury, somewhat stunned, all look on eagerly. A
   minute passes. Nothing happens. Finally the lawyer says: 'Actually, I
   made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with
   anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that there is reasonable
   doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you
   return a verdict of not guilty." The jury, clearly confused, retires
   to deliberate. A very few minutes later, the jury returns and a
   representative pronounces a verdict of guilty. "But how?" inquires the
   lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the
   door." Answers the representative: "Oh, we did look. But your client
   didn't."

A horse wanders into a bar and orders a tall one.
The bartender says, "Hey fella, why the long face?"