An elderly woman entered a large furniture store and was 
greeted by a much younger salesman.  "Is there something in 
particular I can show you?" he asked.

"Yes, I want to buy a sexual sofa."

"You mean a sectional sofa," he suggested.

"Sectional schmectional." she bitterly retorted.  "All I want is 
an occasional piece in the living room!"

Q: How do you make a cat bark?
A: Soak the cat in gasoline and through a lighted match at him.
   WOOOFFFF

Little Johnny had become a real nuisance while his father tried 
to concentrate on his Saturday afternoon poker game with 
friends and relatives.  His father tried every way possible to get 
Johnny to occupy himself...television, ice cream, homework, 
video games...but the youngster insisted on running back and 
forth behind the players and calling out the cards they held.

The other players became so annoyed that they threatened to 
quit the game and all go home. At this point, the boy's uncle 
stood up, took Johnny by the hand, and led him out of the 
room. The uncle soon returned back to the poker table without 
Johnny, and without comment the game resumed.

For the rest of the afternoon, little Johnny was nowhere to be 
seen and the card players continued without any further 
interruptions.

After the poker game ended, the father asked Johnny's uncle, 
"What in the world did you say to Johnny? I haven't heard a 
peep from him all day!"

"Not much," the boy's uncle replied. "I just showed him how to
masturbate."

Two elderly Southern women are sitting on the veranda sipping lemonade and 
reminiscing about old times.
One says to the other, "Darling, do you remember the minuet?"
The other replies, "Sweetheart, I can't even remember the ones I screwed!" 

Dear John,
I have been unable to sleep since I broke off our engagement.
Won't you fogive and forget? Your absence is breaking my heart.
I was a fool, nobody can take your place. I love you.

All my love,

Belinda.

PS Congratulations on winning this week's lottery.