Q: What happened to the Irishman who tried to kill himself by
….swallowing 100 pain killers?
A: After two he began to feel better.

If god had wanted us to run around naked,
we would have been born that way. 

A guy walks into a pet store wanting a parrot. The store clerk shows him 
two beautiful ones out on the floor. "This one's $5,000 and the other is
$10,000." the clerk said. 
"Wow! What does the $5,000 one do?" 
"This parrot can sing every aria Mozart ever wrote." 
"And the other?" said the customer. 
"This one can sing Wagner's entire Ring cycle. There's another one in
the back room for $30,000." 
"Holy moly! What does that one do?" 
"Nothing that I can tell, but the other two parrots call him 'Maestro'." 

Mr. Baldwin, the biology teacher called on Mary, "Can you tell me the part 
of the body that, under the right conditions, expands to six times it's 
normal size, and state the conditions."
Mary gasped and said in a huff, "Why, Mr. Baldwin! That is an 
inappropriate question and my parents are going to
hear of it when I get home!"
She sat down, red-faced.
"Susan, can you tell me the answer?" asked Mr. Baldwin.
"The pupil of the eye, under dark conditions," said Susan.
"Correct. Now Mary, I have three things to say to you. First, you have not 
studied your lesson. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, boy are you 
going to be disappointed someday!" 

A tough case was being argued in court.  The defense attorney,
feeling that he was in trouble, sent the judge a bottle of
hundred-year old brandy.  The defendant was fit to be tied.

"The judge'll kill me.  Trying to bribe him!  We're dead!"

"I don't think so," his attorney told him.  "I sent it in the 
other lawyer's name!"