What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of elephants in the distance?
"Look, a herd of elephants in the distance"

What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of elephants with sunglasses
in the distance?
Nothing. He doesn't recognize them.

What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of giraffes in the distance?
"Haha! You fooled me once with those disguises, but not this time!"

What's black and blue and hates sex?

A rape victim.

Sitting at home one night with his wife, a man is casually 
tossing peanuts into the air and catching them in his mouth.  
As the couple take in the latest episode of their favorite program, 
the man loses concentration for a split second, and a peanut 
goes into his ear. He tries to get it out, but succeeds only in 
forcing the thing in awfully deep.

After a few hours of fruitless rooting the couple decide to go to the
hospital, but on their way out of the front door they meet their 
daughter coming in with her boyfriend.

The boyfriend takes control of the situation; he tells them he's 
studying medicine and that they're not to worry about a thing.  He
then sticks two fingers up the man's nose and asks him to blow, and
low and behold, the nut shoots from the ear and out across the room.
As the daughter and her boyfriend go through to the kitchen to 
get drinks, the man and his wife sit down to discuss their luck.

"So" the wife says, "what do you think he'll become after he finishes
school? A GP or a surgeon?"

                                                   "Well," says the man, rubbing his nose, "by the smell of his fingers,
                                                   I think he's likely to be our son-in-law."

Son : Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he 
told me to give up my seat to a lady.

Mum : Well, you have done the right thing.

Son : But mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap.

A blonde named Vikki decides she wants to try horseback 
riding one day. So Vikki mounts the horse, taps its butt, 
and the horse starts to take off at a reasonable speed. She 
is having fun, and decides she wants to go a little faster, 
so she kicks the horses butt, and the horse goes just a 
little faster. All of a sudden Vikki begins to lose her 
grip on the reigns of the horse and she begins to fall off, 
she starts screaming but the horse seemingly unoticing its 
rider continues... Now Vikki is grabbing on the the horses 
mane when she beigns to feel tired and her grip starts to 
fail. The blond lets go of the horses mane, only to get her 
foot caught in the saddle. So now she is riding along, the 
horse unnoticing and Vikki's head is beating against the 
ground over, and over, and over. She almost loses 
conscience when the Wal-Mart manager runs out and turns off 
the horse.

Sent by Marge