HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and 
cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing 
the same thing to them at funerals.

An off-duty police officer, familiar with radar guns,
drove through a school zone within the legal speed limit
when the flash of a camera went off, taking a picture of
his license plate.

The officer, thinking the radar was in error, drove by again;
even more slowly.  Another flash.  He did it again for a third
time, at an even slower speed.  Same result.

"This guy must have screwed up the settings," the off-duty
officer thought.

A few weeks later, when he received the violations in the mail,
he discovered three traffic tickets:

Each for not wearing a seat belt!

Q: Did you hear about the call girl who accidentally made two appointments 
at the same time?

A: She managed to squeeze them both in.

   I have this friend who has a real dilemma. His wife won't give him a
   divorce until she figures out a way of doing it without making him a
   happy man.

   A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Listen," he says to the
   bartender. "If i show you the most amazing thing you've ever seen, is
   my beer on the house?" "We'll See," says the bartender. So the guy
   pulls out a hamster and a tiny piano out of a bag, puts them on the
   bar,
   and the hamster begins to play. "Impressive," says the bartender, "but
   i'll need to see more." "Hold on," says the man. He then pulls out a
   bullfrog, and it sings "Old Man River." A patron jups up from mhis
   table and shouts "Thats's Absolutely incredible! I'll give you $100
   right now for the frog." "Sold," says the guy. The patron takes the
   bullfrog and leaves. "It's none of my business," says the bartender,
   "but you just gave away a fortune." "Not really," says the guy. "The
   hamster is also a ventriloquist."