The president turned back to his own role in history.
He told the audience that he saw a list of the top 100 news
stories of the century compiled by the Newseum, a journalism-
oriented museum ... across the Potomac in Virginia, and noticed
that "something about the events of the past year" [was] on it.

Clinton, smiling, revealed his number on the list: No. 53.

"No. 53! I mean, what does a guy have to do to make the top 50?
I came in six places after the invention of plastic, for crying
outloud. And I don't recall a year of 24-hour-a-day saturation
on the miracle of plastic."

               --Associated Press Report
                  on 85th White House Correspondents
                   Association Dinner
                    2 May 1999

The Wipe-Up

Find a friend who likes to show off or prove himself all the time, then 
tell them you have a test of speed and reaction for them and that you 
think you are faster. what you do is pour some water on a tile floor (a 
puddle about 10" wide works well), grab a fork and a towel and tell them 
you think you can wipe up the water before they poke you with the fork. 
Also tell them that you are really quick and to make it fair they need to 
sit on the floor near the puddle with their legs spread to the sides so 
the puddle is between their knees. Here is where the fun stuff comes in, 
tell them to go on three, then start counting (all the while you are 
holding the towel) one - two - th....grab their feet and drag their ass 
through it

Sent by Keith

"In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only
trying to retrieve the gerbil," Eric Tomaszewski told bemused doctors
in the Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital. Tomaszewski , and
his homosexual partner Andrew "Kiki" Farnum, had been admittedfor
emergency treatment after a fetching session had gone seriously wrong.
"I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Raggot, our gerbil,
in," he explained. "As usual Kiki shouted out 'Armagedon," my cue that
he'd had enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot but he wouldn't come out
again, so I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking the light
might attract him."

At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what happened
next, "The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot out
the tube, igniting Mr. Tomaszewski's hair severely burning his face,. It
also set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers which in turn ignited a
larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the rodent out
like a cannonball." Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns and a broken
nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and second
degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract.