John Pernicky and friend Sal Hawkins, of the great
   state of Washington, decided to attend a local
   Metallica concert at the Amphitheater at George,
   Washington. Having no tickets (but 18 beers among
   them) they sat in the parking lot, and after
   finishing the beer, decided that it would be easy
   enough to hop over the nine-foot high fence and
   sneak into the show. The two friends pulled their
   pickup truck over to the fence and the plan was
   for John--100 pounds heavier than Sal-to hop over,
   and then assist his friend over the fence.
   Unfortunately for John, there was a 30 foot drop
   on the other side of the fence. Having heaved
   himself over, he found himself crashing through a
   tree. His fall was abruptly halted by a large
   branch which snagged him by his shorts. Dangling
   from the tree, with one arm broken, John looked
   down and saw a group of bushes below him. Figuring
   the bushes would break his fall, John removed his
   pocket knife and proceeded to cut away his shorts
   to free himself from the tree. When finally free,
   John crashed below into Holly bushes. The sharp
   leaves scratched his entire body and now being
   without his shorts, he was the unwilling victim
   of a holly branch penetrating his rectal cavity.
   To make matters worse, his pocket knife proceeded
   to fall with him and landed three inches into his
   left thigh. Seeing his friend in considerable pain
   and agony, Sal decided to throw him a rope and pull
   him to safety. However, weighing about 100 pounds
   less, he decided the best course of action would
   be to tie the rope to the pickup truck. This is
   when things went from bad to worse. In his drunken
   state, Sal put the truck into the wrong
   gear,pressed on the gas, and crashed through the
   fence, landing on and killing his friend. Sal was
   thrown from the truck, suffered massive internal
   injuries and also died at the scene. Police
   arrived to find a pickup truck with its driver
   thrown 100 feet from the vehicle and upon moving
   the truck, a half naked man, with numerous
   scratches, a holly stick up his rectum, a knife in
   his thigh, and a pair of shorts dangling from the
   tree branches 25 feet in the air.

Volunteer Fire Department

A fire started on some grassland near a farm in Indiana. The fire
department from the nearby town was called to put the fire out. The 
fire proved to be more than the small town fire department could handle, 
so someone suggested that a rural volunteer fire department be called.
Though there was doubt that they would be of any assistance, the call
was made.

The volunteer fire department arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck.
They drove straight towards the fire and stopped in the middle of the
flames. The volunteer firemen jumped off the truck and frantically
started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the
center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily controllable
parts.

The farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department's work
and so grateful that his farm had been spared, that he presented the
volunteer fire department with a check for $1000.

A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the
department planned to do with the funds.

"That should be obvious," he responded, "the first thing we're gonna do
is get the brakes fixed on that stupid fire truck."

Anything for an A



     A student comes to a young professor's office hours.  She
glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly.
     "I would do *anything* to pass this exam."  She leans closer
to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes.
     "I mean..." she whispers, "...I would do...*anything*."
     He returns her gaze. "Anything?"
     "*Anything*."
     His voice softens. "*Anything*??"
     "*Anything*."
     His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you...*study*?"

                                 - A TRUE STORY (FROM DARTMOUTH)