The common symptoms of swine flu are: High fever, upset stomach, 
occasional cramps and an irresistible urge to fuck in the mud...

Did you hear about that guy who was asked to be a Jehovah's witness? 

    - He refused becuase he hadn't seen the accident. 

   A man comes home to find his wife packing her bags. "Where are you
   going?" he asked.
   
   "To Las Vegas! I found out that there are men that will pay me $400 to
   do what I do for you for free!"
   
   The man pondered that thought for a moment, and then began packing HIS
   bags.
   
   "What do you think you are doing?" she screamed.
   
   "Going to Las Vegas with you... I want to see how you live on $800 a
   year!"
   

How offensive is that?

Jesus has just been nailed to the cross and has begun to suffer 
from the wounds, A crowd has gathered to watch and 
sympathize with Him. As Jesus looks out over the gathering he 
calls to one of his apostle's. "Paul... Paul," He calls out.

Paul hears his name and comes to the front of the 
gathering. "Yes Jesus,how may I serve you" he exclaims. Just 
then a guard comes up to Paul, cuts Paul's right arm off with 
his sword, and throws him back into the crowd, saying "No 
one is allowed to speak with the prisoner!" 

Jesus once again calls his name. "Paul . . .Paul", he calls. 
Paul, determined goes to the front of the gathering again. There 
he meets the same gaurd who this time cuts off the left arm, and 
both legs and throws him back into the crowd.

Jesus yells out once again , "Paul,...Paul". Paul , who is now 
lying on his back on the ground attempts to roll to the front of 
the gathering. The guard seeing this determination and devotion 
finally weakens and decides to let Paul speak to Jesus. He 
goes over to Paul, picks him up and brings him to the front of 
the crowd. 

Paul, with tears in his eyes looks up to his savior and speaks, 
"Yes Jesus, I am here. What is it I can do for you?" 

Jesus looks over the horizon and then to Paul and states,"Oh 
nothing. I just wanted to tell you that I could see your house 
from here!"

The Grade 1 concert is fast approaching and Johhny has still 
not decidied what he will do. Little Mary is going to do a piano 
solo, Timmy will recite a poem, but Johnny can't come up with 
anything. Finally, his frustrated teacher is releived when he tells 
her he has worked out his act. 

Come the night of the concert, all the proud parents fill the hall 
and watch as Mary, in her perettiest dress, tinkles the ivories to 
rapturous applause...

Then Timmy steps out in his best suit and recites his poems to 
the delight of the audience.

Finally, out comes Johhny, in check shirt, and denim overalls. 
He steps up to the microphone and says...

"Ladies and Gentlemen. My uncle owns a farm and every 
holiday I visit him there. Tonight, I would like to share with you 
my impression of some of the many sounds I hear on my 
unlce's farm. Here is the first....'JOHHNY!  GET OFF THAT 
FUCKING TRACTOR!'"