A little boy and his dad are standing in line at the grocery store behind 
a big fat lady. The little boy says, "hey dad, look how fat that lady is!"
"Shhhh, quiet son, she'll hear you."
"But dad, look how big and fat that lady is!"
"Shhhhhh, don't say that son, it's not nice!"
"But dad, look how big and fat that lady is!"
"Shhhhhhhhhhhhhh, don't say that son, it's not nice and it's rude!"
Suddenly the fat lady's beeper goes off.
"Look out dad, she's backing up!" 

The first engineer calls out to the other, "Hey--Nice bike!
   Where did you get it?" "Well," replies the other, "I was walking to
   class the other day when this pretty, young coed rides up on this
   bike. She jumps off, takes off all of her clothes, and says 'you can
   have ANYTHING you want!'" "Good choice," says the first guy, "her
   clothes wouldn't have fit you anyway.

A traveling salesman's car breaks down, and he walks over
to a near by farm. He knocks on the door and the farmer
appears. 
"Excuse me sir, but my car broke down about a mile down
the road, and I was wondering if you had a place I could stay,
just until morning, and I....." 
The farmer says, "Well, I can let you sleep in the barn, but
you'll have to sleep with my two sons...." 
The salesman says, "Sons! I must be in the wrong joke!"  

Diary Entries

AUG. 12   Moved to our new home in Ohio.  It is so beautiful here.  The
hills are so majestic.  I can hardly wait to see them with snow covering
them.  I love it here.

OCT. 14   Ohio is the most beautiful place on Earth.  The leaves are turned
all the colors and shades of red and orange.  Went for a ride through the
beautiful hills and saw some deer.  They are so graceful, certainly they
are the most wonderful animal on Earth.  This must be paradise.  I love it
here.

NOV. 11   Deer season will start soon.  I can't imagine anyone wanting to
kill such a gorgeous creature.  Hope it will snow soon,  I love it here.

DEC. 2  It snowed last night.  Woke up to find everything blanketed in
white.  It looks like a postcard.  We went outside and cleaned the snow off
the steps and shoveled the driveway.  We had a snowball fight (I won), and
when the snowplow came by, we had to shovel the driveway again.  What a
beautiful place.  I love Ohio. 

DEC. 12  More snow last night.  I love it.  The snowplow did his trick
again to the driveway.  I love it here.

DEC. 19  More snow last night.  Couldn't get out of the driveway to get to
work.  I am exhausted from shoveling.  Fucking snowplow.

DEC. 22  More of that white shit fell last night.  I've got blisters on my
hands from shoveling.  I think the snowplow hides around the corner and
waits till I'm done shoveling.  Asshole.

DEC. 25  Merry Fucking Christmas!  More friggen snow.  If I ever get my
hands on that sonofabitch who drives that snowplow, I swear I'll kill the
bastard.  Don't know why they don't use more salt on the roads to melt the
fucking ice.

DEC. 27  More of that White Shit last night.  Been inside for 3 days except
for shoveling out the driveway after that snowplow goes through every time.
 Can't go anywhere, cars stuck in a mountain of that White Shit.  The
weatherman says to expect another 10" of the shit again tonight.  Do you
know how many shovels full 10" of snow is?

DEC. 28  The fucking weatherman was Wrong.  We got 34" of that white shit
this time.  At this rate it won't melt before the middle of next summer. 
The snowplow got stuck up the road and that bastard came to the door and
asked to borrow my shovel.  After I told him I had broken six shovels
already shovelling the white shit he pushed into my driveway, I broke my
last one right over his Fuckin' Head!

JAN. 4  Finally got out of the house today.  Went to the store to get food
and on the way back damned deer ran out in front of the car and I hit it. 
Did about $3000.00 worth of damage to the car.  Those fucking beasts should
be killed.  Wished the hunters had got them all last November.

MAY 3  Took the car to the garage in town.  Would you believe the
motherfucker is rusting out from all the goddamn salt they put on the
roads?

MAY 10  Moved to Florida.  I can't imagine anyone in their right mind
wanting to live in the God-forsaken state of Ohio.

A guy takes his greenhorn wife hunting on a ranch. When they reach their 
deer blinds, the guy says, "If you shoot a deer, be sure not to let 
somebody else say he's the one who shot it. Otherwise, he'll take the deer 
from you. The deer belongs to whoever shoots it." The guy goes to his own 
blind. Ten minutes later, he hears his wife shooting from her blind 
nearby. He rushes over and finds her pointing her rifle at a cowboy who's 
hollering, "Awright, lady, awright--you can have the goddamn deer! Just 
lemme get my saddle off it!"