A man is driving down the road for a long period of time. During 

his travel, he sees a priest with a gas can hitch hiking, so he 

gladly picks him up he says,"Normally father, i dont pick up hitch

hikers. You seem like a man of dignity so i thought id make an exception.

In fact i hate hitch hikers. The priest nods his head and they drive on

Along the way, The driver spots another man hitch hiking. "that dirty son
of %$#%#% ill fix him". He then swirves the car and tries to make the hit
and run like an accident. Dang! i missed. The priests yells,"Don't worry
i got him with  the gas can!"

Sent by Rob

Three Pastors from the south were having lunch in a diner. One said, "Ya 
know, since summer started I've been having trouble with bats in my loft 
and attic at church. I've tried everything-noise, spray, cats-nothing
seems to scare them away. 

Another said, "Yea, me too. I've got hundreds living in my belfry and in 
the attic. I've even had the place fumigated, and they won't go away." 

The third said, "I baptized all mine, and made them members of the 
church... Haven't seen one back since!" 

MESSAGE FROM THE DUKE OF WELLINGTON TO THE BRITISH FOREIGN
   OFFICE IN LONDON--
   written from Central Spain, August 1812

   Gentlemen,
   Whilst marching from Portugal to a position which commands the
   approach to Madrid and the French forces, my officers have been
   diligently complying with your requests which have been sent by H.M.
   ship from London to Lisbon and thence by dispatch to our headquarters.
   We have enumerated our saddles, bridles, tents and tent poles, and all
   manner of sundry items for which His Majesty's Government holds me
   accountable. I have dispatched reports on the character, wit, and
   spleen of every officer. Each item and every farthing has been
   accounted for, with two regrettable exceptions for which I beg your
   indulgence.
   Unfortunately the sum of one shilling and ninepence remains
   unaccounted for in one infantry battalion's petty cash and there has
   been a hideous confusion as the number of jars of raspberry jam issued
   to one cavalry regiment during a sandstorm in western Spain. This
   reprehensible carelessness may be related to the pressure of
   circumstance, since we are war with France, a fact which may come as a
   bit of a surprise to you gentlemen in Whitehall.
   This brings me to my present purpose, which is to request elucidation
   of my instructions from His Majesty's Government so that I may better
   understand why I am dragging an army over these barren plains. I
   construe that perforce it must be one of two alternative duties, as
   given below. I shall pursue either one with the best of my ability,
   but I cannot do both:
   1. To train an army of uniformed British clerks in Spain for the
   benefit of the accountants and copy-boys in London or perchance.
   2. To see to it that the forces of Napoleon are driven out of Spain.
   Your most obedient servant,
   Wellington

The medics rush Mr. Steinberg to the hospital in the middle of 
the night, apparently with a massive heart attack. The doctors 
work on him all night and morning and finally discharge him to 
ICU, where therapy continues. 

In a couple of days Mr. Steinberg's physician comes into his 
room and says, "Sol, I'm happy to tell you that you are 
completely well. You have the heart function that you did when 
you were a fifteen-year-old lad. We're going to send you home 
tomorrow. You don't have to worry about your heart; do any 
physical exercise that you like." 

Mr. Steinberg goes home and that evening is talking with his 
wife: "Doris, you'll never believe it: I'm completely well. I have no 
worries with my heart. Tonight, Darling, you and I are going to 
make love like you've never had before, wild, passionate 
sex....you'll love it!"

Doris thinks for a minute and says, "I don't know, Sol. I've heard 
about active sex and heart conditions. I don't want it to be on 
my head if you croak while we are making love. Maybe, just 
maybe, if your doctor wrote a note to me saying that everything 
was OK... maybe I would have such sex with you...." 

Mr. Steinberg was dejected, but the next day he was in his 
doctor's office; his doctor tells him, "Sure, sure, Sol, no 
problem, I'll write the note. Let's see, here's my prescription 
pad: "Mr. Sol Steinberg, a patient of mine, has the heart 
function of a fifteen-year-old lad and can have mad, passionate, 
adventurous sex any time that he so desires, signed, Dr. Aaron 
Katz....... Now, I'll just address this.......By the way, Sol, what's 
your wife's first name?" 

"Uh, Doctor, could you just make that, 'To Whom It May 
Concern"?

An old sailor goes to a brothel,
where he chooses his girl and begins.
"How am I doing?" He asks.
"Three knots," she replies.
"Three knots? What's that mean?"
"You're not hard, you're not in,
and you're not getting your money back."