DRINKING SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with ceiling tiles and fluorescent 
light strip across it. 
FAULT: You have fallen over backward. 
ACTION: If your glass is full and no one is standing on your drinking arm, 
stay put. If not, get someone to help you get up; latch self to bar. 
  
SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dim, mouth full of cigarette butts. 
FAULT: You have fallen forward. 
ACTION: See above. 

   A friend of mine told me he had signed up with one of these on-line
   dating services. I asked him the other day if he had had any luck and
   he said he'd quit -- seems they'd matched him up with his wife.

   Buckwheat Lets the Cat Outta the Bag
   One day the little rascals were sitting in school. The teacher walked
   in, and said, "good
   morning class. Today we are going to play word games. I'm going to
   give you a word and
   I want you to put it in a sentence for me." She said "Spanky you're
   first. Your word is
   football." Spanky stood up and proudly said " I threw the football,"
   and sat down.
   The teacher said "very good Spanky." Then the teacher said, "Darla,
   you're next. Your
   word is pretty." Darla stood up and said, " I think I'm very pretty!"
   Then she sat down.
   Then the teacher called on Buckwheat. She said, "Buckwheat, you're
   next. Your word is
   dictate." Buckwheat stood up looked at Arial, and said, "Hey Darla!
   How'd my dic tate las
   nigh?
   

Did I tell you I had this woman pounding on my door all night last night?

Yeah, I finally let her out!

Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. 
St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one 
question. 

St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the
iceberg? They just made a movie about it." The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the 
Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate. 

St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't REALLY need all the odors that 
this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people 
died on the ship?" Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered, 
"about 1,500." "That's right! You may enter." 

St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name them."