A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table 
watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap 
dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy 
the duck from its owner. After some wheelin' and dealin' they settled for 
$10000 for the duck and the pot. Three days later the circus owner runs 
back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot 
before a whole audience and he didn't dance a single step!" "So?" asked 
the ducks former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the 
pot?"

"Say, how old are you anyway ?" the reporter asked as the
obviously young lass was disrobing.

"Thirteen." she replied with a shy smile.

"Thirteen ??? My God girl !!! You get those clothes back on at
once and get the hell outta here ! Are you crazy ?" he thundered.

Pausing briefly at the door as she left, the perplexed nymphet
smiled and said, "Superstitious, huh ?"

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport.  After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an 
announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this 
is your captain speaking.  Welcome to Flight Number 293, 
nonstop from New York to Los Angeles.  The weather ahead is 
good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful 
flight.  Now sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!"

Silence.

Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies 
and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I 
was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and 
spilled the hot coffee in my lap.  You should see the front of my 
pants!"

A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing.  He should see the 
back of mine!"

What do you call an open can of tuna fish in a lesbian's apartment? 

     Potpourri 

   A man and his dog walk into a bar for a drink. The bartender sees the
   two and immediately decries, "Sorry sir, no dogs allowed in this bar."
   
   The man turns to the bartender and explains that this is no ordinary
   dog but a dog that likes to go down on women. The bartender notices
   the dog is quite mellow and doesn't feel like arguing with the man so
   he lets them stay.
   
   The waitress hears this and approaches the man telling him she would
   like to see this for herself. He agrees and she says, "I'll go
   upstairs and you send up the dog in 5 minutes."
   
   The man does and about 15 minutes later she comes back down angry,
   telling him the dog had just lain there doing nothing. The man replies
   that this has never been the case before, and offers to coach the dog,
   to which she agrees.
   
   They both go upstairs and she undresses and he tells the dog to do his
   thing and once again, the dog just lays there.
   
   The man looks over at the dog and says, "alright but I'm only gonna
   show you one more time.........."